


No one writes songs about the ones that come easy

by iwantthemtostay



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: (kind of), Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-16 22:49:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2287310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwantthemtostay/pseuds/iwantthemtostay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Can you only ever really love one person?' and other questions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me."  
> "Epic how?"  
> "Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC."  
> ...  
> "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"  
> "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."  
> ("Look Who's Stalking", 2x20, 'Veronica Mars')
> 
> I usually post on LJ but seeing as this contains copious amounts of Tessa/Charlie (I don't know who I am anymore) I thought I'd put it up here too. I had this idea a long time ago and didn't want to write it but here we are... The AU in this fic is more to do with the relationships between the characters but a few facts are changed too - Tessa attends UM, Tanith isn't an ice dancer etc. All of the song lyrics throughout the story are going to be applicable to either Tessa/Scott or Tessa/Charlie, sometimes it's just the quoted lyrics that are relevant while other times it's more the feel of the whole song. This is all going to be from Tessa's perspective and that is something you should maybe keep in mind. 
> 
> Special thanks to aluminescence for encouraging my writing and to @icedancedreamer whose sparkling conversation and superb editing made this happen.

_Each time that I think you go_

_I turn around and you're creeping in_

_And I let you under my skin_

_'Cause I love living in the sin_

_...But your ghost, the ghost of you_

_It keeps me awake_

('Ghost', Ella Henderson)

 

Summer 2012

This time it's over. It's strange really, because she had thought that maybe this could be the time for them to actually start something real. Tessa and Scott the official couple as opposed to Virtue and Moir, partners in ice dance and a spectacularly fucked up mutually destructive on/off... _thing_. She had been stupid enough to hope that now that they were both single they might have a chance. Stupid enough to believe that he wanted more from her than medals and an easy lay. Stupid enough to think that he wouldn't show up to her parents' wedding anniversary with a new girlfriend to parade around. Her mom thought the girl was trashy. Her mom thought a lot of things.

Kate's endless pieces of advice all seemed to begin with the phrase "good girls don't" and that is what is ringing through Tessa's head as she drives to the liquor store. _Good girls don't get drunk._ It's not something she does with any great frequency, and never alone, but these are the definition of desperate times. She wants to forget but she also wants to feel. She hasn't cried yet and that can't be normal. Nothing about this is normal though. _Good girls don't get involved in messy relationships with their partners which include multiple events of infidelity._ Her mom had never used that one but she figures it was implied. Everything seems to suggest that Tessa is not a good girl, no matter how hard she tries.

As she stares at the myriad of bottles she wishes she had a bit more experience in this area. _What does one drink to get drunk?_

"Tessa!" A familiar pair of arms embrace her.

"Charlie," she smiles before frowning when he steps back and she sees, for maybe the third time in all the years she's known him, an unshaven Charlie White."Are you ok?"

He dodges her question. "What are you doing back in Michigan this early?"

"Summer school. I'd like to graduate before I turn forty so I thought doing some courses now would be a good idea." Michigan also has the added benefit of being currently Scott-less.

"Well, guess who's one credit away from graduating? I'll be able to start law school in the fall!"

"Charlie! That's amazing!" She hugs him again and notes rather awkwardly that he smells vaguely unwashed. The world is probably coming to an end.

"It's pretty good, I guess. But, you know, other stuff hasn't been so good..."

"Do you want to tell me about it?" It's not that she and Charlie aren't close - they used to be best friends. But then Scott was a dick after Charlie and Meryl won worlds and he had messed the whole thing up. She was left caught between being his whatever and Meryl's best friend while Charlie just tried to keep everyone happy.

"Tanith and I broke up. " He winces slightly as he continues with a cough. "Well, she broke up with me to be precise. She's gone off to Harvard Law and she doesn't think that I'm motivated enough or that I have enough space in my life for her or something."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." That explains a lot. She's genuinely shocked, she had thought they were that couple who meets in college, gets married and then juggles their adorable kids with their successful careers.

"So I'm planning on getting so drunk that I can't even read her name." He smiles slightly, the sides of his eyes crinkling up in some attempt at humour. "What are you doing here? You getting some supplies for when Meryl gets back? Are you planning some wild night?" He wiggles his eyebrows as he takes in her empty basket.

Charlie knows all too well that a wild night for her and Meryl consists of a bottle of wine, some chocolate and some bad reality TV. Her arrival in a few weeks will probably be marked with the most serious of DMCs, copious amounts of hugs from Meryl, and tears from Tessa. She hadn't wanted to bother her while she was away in Italy so her best friend has yet to hear the news that she's about to tell Charlie.

"My presence here is more similar to yours..." She takes a breath before continuing, "Scott and I are done."

She can't blame him for having a glimmer of something that looks like _yeah, right_ in his eyes. How many times has she told him this before when he's found her hunched over books in the library, or in a corner at parties, or crying in the locker room?

"This time it's different."

He puts a hand on her shoulder. "Well, I think you and I should amalgamate our pity parties. Do you have any idea what one drinks to get drunk?"

She shakes her head.

Charlie pauses thoughtfully. "They have guidelines for not getting drunk so if we just do the opposite of what they tell you... So no eating, no drinking water and lots of mixing spirits." He grabs a variety of different coloured liquids from the shelves in front of them and pops them into her basket. He takes the basket from her and puts an arm around her shoulder as they make their way to the check-out.

"Let me guess," the cashier claps her hands. "You two have just moved in together and you're planning a housewarming party."

She and Charlie exchange an amused glance. "How did you know?" he says.

"You just look so cute! You have a good night now." She winks at them as they leave.

They manage to make it out the door before they burst into laughter.

"Oh my God, she thought we were..." Charlie wheezes. She hopes he has his inhaler with him.

"Meryl is going to die when she hears about this!"

"Hey, would you mind if we go to your place? I don't think DJ should have to see her dad in a state of inebriation."

Tessa manages to stifle her laugh. It's sweet that Charlie cares so much about his dog.

"Sure, I wouldn't want to disturb poor DJ." She shakes her head with a grin and roll of her eyes, thinking of the little dog who’d probably rather have a crying Charlie than no Charlie. Crying, dogs, and being wanted all make her think of Scott - like some vicious cycle she can’t escape.

They drive separately to her house and she wonders what the night has in store for them.

 

"All we have in common is ice dance and sex."

"What?" Charlie splutters, nearly spilling whatever he's drinking now all over his shirt. "Tessa, we have lots of stuff in common!"

"Not _us_ , silly! That's what Scott said when I suggested that we make things, I dunno, more official." She's concerned she might be slurring her words a little.

"He probably didn't even mean it. You two share the same important..." he seems to be thinking hard about this, " _values_."

"Oh, we have great values! It's fine to cheat on your significant other as long as it's with your skating partner. Who cares that people could get hurt?" She swings her plastic cup with such vigour that a splash of liquid lands on her nose. Coconut - it must be rum. That's good, the vodka made her throat burn.

"You two have a, a complicated relationship."

"I read this book once and the woman in it, she talked about this song she'd heard. It was all about how the first person you fell in love with stole your heart and the first person you, I'm pretty sure she actually said made love to, well, they stole your soul. And if they were the same person... I don't exactly remember how the author put it but basically, you're fucked." She puts her hand over her mouth, _good girls don't swear_ , at least not out loud.

"Oh, so Scott _was_ your first?" He seems a little surprised by this and she can't understand why.

"I was seventeen. In the back of his truck - like some freaking country song." She closes her eyes.

It was a summer night, so hot you'd swear you were going to melt, and they'd gone swimming in the lake. She had on this white dress that had clung to her like a second skin when she got out of the water. Scott had stood outside the car, waiting for her to get changed, until she'd asked him, with all the coyness and fluttering eyelashes she could muster, to help her take it off. It wasn't like she'd planned it, not really, but she'd always wanted it to be him and she'd known exactly what she was doing when she kept wading into the water. Even now, after all that's happened between them, she doesn't regret it. No one else would have treated her so gently. No one else would have looked at her the way he did back then, the way he still does sometimes, like she was infinitely precious. No one else would have driven her around for hours after while she panicked because her parents were going to know that something was different when they saw her. No one else but Scott.

 

_Sometimes I think my heartaches come to an end_

_And then something brings them all back again_

_Like wanting you and like having you_

_I'll never get used to_

('Some Things You Never Get Used To', Diana Ross & the Supremes)

 

She wakes up on the couch with her head on Charlie's chest and endures five seconds of utter terror until she processes the fact that they're both still fully clothed. He starts to stir when she sits up.

"Do you have a spare toothbrush? And a shower?"

She points him to the bathroom and starts making French toast, one of the few meals she's mastered. They sit at her kitchen table for hours and she finds that she doesn't need to be drunk to tell him all her secrets.

It almost feels like he's the only other person she knows here seeing as no one else has returned. She ends up spending most of her time with him. She studies better at his house, likes having the furry comfort of a puppy snuggled at her feet or on her lap as she types. Charlie informs her, with more than a hint of jealousy, that she is DJ's favourite person.

Meryl is delighted by the deepening of the friendship between her two best friends. Tessa thinks that it might be making her less guilty about not being with them after their break-ups. She doesn't even have to tell Meryl the news about her and Scott. Meryl rings her in a frenzy, screeching down the phone about how Scott had rung asking how Tessa was and why hadn't Tessa told her about it and who did Scott think he was, breaking Tessa's heart AGAIN and asking her to mend the pieces.

Tessa explains that she wanted Meryl to have a nice holiday without worrying about her which doesn't seem to make Meryl feel any better. She only calms down when Tessa tells her that she's been spending a lot of time with Charlie and they're helping each other through.

Charlie takes them, her and the dog, to watch a meteor shower; and she's pretty sure she's only there to keep DJ calm. He sets up his telescope while she and DJ exchange meaningful looks about how odd her master is.

They're lying down on the picnic blanket when he asks her, "Do you think you can only ever really love one person?"

She turns her face towards his. "I hope not. I'd like to think that I could love someone else. I know Scott loved Jess."

He gazes at her. "I'd like to fall for someone else too."

It's strange but she wonders if he's about to kiss her and, stranger still, she thinks she'd let him. They go back to looking at the stars.

The sun is coming out as he drives her home and he remarks that soon they'll be getting up at this time to train. She groans and he laughs. For the first time in her life she's actually enjoyed the break from skating, usually she missed it, craved going back.

"You don't have to walk me to my door," she tells him when he goes round to the passenger side to let her out.

"I'm a gentleman." He takes her arm and they walk up the pathway.

"Thank you." She smiles up at him feeling completely relaxed. She has an entirely new appreciation for the boy in front of her."For everything." She puts her arms around him and thinks about how comfortable it is.

They bump heads when she tries to leave the hug. She giggles and he kisses the place where their heads met. They lock eyes and then his lips are on hers, soft and gentle.

He takes a step back, going red and mumbling something incomprehensible.

To her surprise she steps forward and kisses him. She runs her hands through his hair and he puts his securely and respectfully at her waist. It's shocking how simple, how natural, how sweet it feels. It doesn't feel like she's grasping for something out of reach. It doesn't feel like he's trying to keep her close and hold her away all at once. It just feels like she's kissing someone she wants to kiss who wants to kiss her back.

"So, that was..."

"Unexpected," she smiles.

His voice is hopeful as he wears that adorably nervous grin she’s seen before but for vastly different reasons. "In a good way?"

"In a good way." His grin widens and she blushes. "We should talk about this. About skating and Meryl and... Or maybe you don't want to... I don't know... I...."

He takes her hand in his and rubs her palm with his thumb. "We'll talk about it later. I have to pick up Meryl from the airport in a few hours so I'll tell her about it and then, then we'll talk." He kisses her cheek and leaves.

She smiles all the way through her bedtime rituals until she lies down and all these questions and fears and doubts enter her mind. She doesn't sleep much.

She gets up early and to avoid overanalysing she starts to organise her bedroom. The plan is working well until she moves on to her dresser. She pours out the contents of her drawers and tries to decide what she should keep and what she should throw away. But as she sifts through the practice clothes and the various t-shirts and hoodies of Scott's that she's accumulated over the years and her rather impressive underwear collection the only thoughts going through her head are memories. Memories of how he always skated better when she wore that leotard with the low back. Memories of how she wore his old Skate Canada t-shirt so much that it now had holes in it.

But the more intimate items of clothing are the worst. The black bra she'd worn under a sheer shirt to a house party one night. They'd been in one of their trying to be good periods but they'd just stared at each other all night while they danced with other people until he'd put a hand on her back and whispered in her ear and she'd followed him up the stairs. The red silk set that she'd worn under a coat (just a coat) when she'd snuck into his room one holiday season and, she cringes at the ridiculousness of it, told him that he could unwrap her like a Christmas present. Not her finest hour.

She hears a key in her door and a screech of "Tessa! Oh my God, where are you?!"

"In my room," she calls.

Meryl rushes in but slows when she takes in the sight in front of her. She picks up a duck egg blue bra (the night they'd celebrated their second worlds win), holds it as far away from herself as possible and squishes up her nose. "Are you trying to pick out stuff to wear for Charlie?"

She is half mortified and totally relieved that Meryl doesn’t actually seem to mind the idea of her and Charlie together."Meryl!!! How can you even say that?!" She whispers the last part as if her mother might hear them all the way in Canada, discussing things that good girls just did not do.

Her friend hugs her fiercely. "No 'hey Meryl, I missed you'? Or immediately telling me all the details about your huge romantic moment with Charlie?"

"How are you so calm about all this? I would not be this ok with you kissing Scott."

"Well, duh. That would be bad. It's not like I've been having some messed up on/off sex scandal waiting to happen with Charlie for the past six years."

Six years. Six years of push and pull. Six years of fighting and making up. Six years of heartbreaks. Six years of guilt. Six years of happiness and laughter and love and all those things too but all under some cloak of secrecy. Some fear that it would affect their skating. All while seeing other people and pretending that what they were doing was ok. Six years.

Meryl sits down on the bed and Tessa sits on the floor, leaning her back against Meryl's legs.

"I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. I probably freaked Charlie out. We kissed and I started babbling about how we needed to talk about you and skating and... Maybe all the stars just got to him and he kissed me and then I started acting like he'd just asked me to marry him."

Meryl starts to braid her hair. "He seemed pretty pleased with himself when he told me about it so I don't think you've scared him off. Why are you so worried about me? Two of my favourite people really like each other, what's not to love about that?"

"The whole sporting rivalry thing?"

"You and I are doing ok with that. I don't get why you and Charlie seeing each other would change any of it."

Tessa doesn't want to start talking about that. "It was just so unexpected."

"Do you really think so?" Meryl quirks an eyebrow in disbelief.

"I suppose we had been seeing a lot of each other recently," she says doubtfully.

"It's not even that. I always thought it would happen eventually." Meryl sounds very satisfied with herself. "You two would just be so great together. You get on so well and you're both so kind. You're from similar backgrounds and you have lots in common! He's had a crush on you since _for-ev-er_. He used to get all gooey-eyed when you first moved to Detroit. And he still always messes up his twizzles when you wear that leo with the low back."

She smiles and asks Meryl to tell her more about her trip to Italy.

"I've told you about Italy! I want details! What was it like? How did it happen?" Meryl’s eyes grow in size to two saucers as she grins excitedly and clasps her hands together.

"I thought Charlie told you about it!"

"Not enough! I need more!"

Tessa laughs and gives her friend what she wants. After she's parsed last night's experience with the type of detail usually associated with a college thesis, Meryl announces that she can no longer look at the mess that is Tessa's room. 

"We can go to my house and sit by the pool and then I can make you some of my new Italian recipes!"

Tessa is of the opinion that she should probably clean up the mess Meryl finds so offensive but Italian food is hard to refuse.

She's lying on a sun lounger in her bikini (Meryl had insisted, she seemed to have gotten really into tanning in Italy) nearly dozing off when Charlie appears with two bags of groceries.

"Hi."

"Hi."

It appears that he doesn't know where to look.

Meryl lifts her sunglasses. "Hey Charlie! You go ahead and leave those in the fridge and then come out and join us."

He does as he's told. Tessa hisses, "What are you doing? You never said he'd be here!"

"Did I not? But someone needed to get the ingredients." She shrugs innocently as she tips her sunglasses back over her eyes.

"I'm wearing hardly any clothes!"

There's a definite smirk on Meryl's face. "It's a good look for you."

Tessa rushes back inside to put on her sundress. This isn't how she wanted to see him again. She wanted to have everything straight in her head. She wanted to be wearing more than a two piece. Why won't this dress go past her shoulders?

"Are you ok, Tessa?" She can hear Charlie coming towards her. Well, she assumes it's him. There's a bunch of white material blocking her view. Maybe it's some other guy Meryl wants to parade her in front of in minimal amounts of clothing.

"I could do with a hand." Her voice is so muffled she doesn't even know if he'll be able to hear her.

A pair of hands coax the dress down her torso and smooth it over her hips.

"Hi." She's probably some ridiculous shade of red.

"Hi." Charlie is some shade of pink too.

"So, Meryl seems to be ok with what happened."

He chuckles. "Yeah, she does. Are you ok with it?"

"Yes." She breathes out. "Are you?"

He rests his forehead on hers. "Very ok."

"Good. We can talk about everything later, right?"

"Later," he confirms.

This time when their lips meet she doesn't compare it to anything else, she just lets herself get lost in the moment.

This is ok. She can do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book Tessa references is 'Mercy' by Jodi Picoult which is probably my least favourite one of hers so wouldn't go out of my way to recommend it. I would, however, go out of my way to recommend 'Veronica Mars', the tv show the quote that gave me the title for this comes from. It is fantastic.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me."  
> "Epic how?"  
> "Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC."  
> ...  
> "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"  
> "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."  
> ('Look Who's Stalking', 2x20, 'Veronica Mars')
> 
> More fluff. More angst. More drama. And yes, that is a One Direction song, it's really good, ok? 
> 
> Thanks to my lovely editors aluminescence and icedancedreamer (who wrote what is possibly my favourite line in this chapter).

_I don't care what people say when we're together_

_You know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep_.

('Happily', One Direction)

It's just all so easy. She feels light and carefree. She's having _fun_. Charlie picks her up when he says he will. She comes home and spins around her house. They actually go out, admittedly to places a bit off the beaten track but, after all, they do live in Michigan, the ice dance capital of the world. Who knows who they could bump into who would be just too delighted to tell the entire world about the romance between the sport's two greatest rivals?

The first person other than Meryl (and DJ, who fully supports it) to find out about their fledgling relationship is more than happy to keep it a secret.

Charlie goes to this little music store to pick up some new strings for his violin and Tessa accompanies him. She's flicking through some old records when he puts his arms around her waist and starts humming the melody of the Mozart piece she's holding. He kisses her like a whisper underneath her ear and she hugs the record to her chest.

_"Charles?! Tessa?!"_

They turn around to see a slack-jawed Marina Zueva. "You two are... _here... together_?" Her voice is disbelieving as she looks between the two with an unreadable expression.

They nod silently. Tessa worries that Charlie may get sick all over Marina’s shoes.

"I was trying to think of programme ideas for you two. You two _separately_. Not together." Marina keeps shaking her head. "We start practice next week, yes?"

They nod again. She goes to leave only to swing back around and study them again. "You look - happy,” she says slowly, thoughtfully considering her words.

"We are happy," Tessa replies. Charlie, who looks like this meeting is more than he can deal with, just continues to nod.

"Hmm, carry on." As she leaves the shop Marina calls out, "But use precautions! I don't want any nappies on way to Sochi!"

Charlie has gone a deathly white.

"Do you think we should have told her we haven't actually slept together yet?" They're taking things one step at a time.

"NO!" he howls. "She already questions my masculinity enough as it is!"

She strokes his arm and smiles up at him. "I don't question your masculinity."

He folds her under his arm and kisses the top of her head. "That's why I'm with you and not Marina."

"I didn't know I had any competition."

He lifts her chin so that she's looking into his eyes. "You don't."

She smiles goofily as he pays for her new record and they leave the store hand-in-hand.

When they get to his car he asks, "How were you so calm about Marina talking about our -” he looks around once before saying the next part in a rushed whisper. “- _sex lives?_ "

Tessa shrugs. "She does it all the time."

Charlie squints at her as if he's trying to figure out whether she's joking or not.

"She doesn't do that to you?" Charlie shakes his head vigorously. "Huh. After our first day of training she took me to Planned Parenthood. My mom freaked when she found out, she wanted me to come back home."

"And was it just you she talked about this to or..."

He can't quite look her in the eye. "It was Scott mostly. Her goodbye to him every day of his teenage life was 'Don't get Tessa pregnant'."

" _Oh_." The look on his face makes her wish she'd never mentioned it."He's coming back tomorrow isn't he?"

"Yes." Charlie goes to open the car door for her but she grabs his arm. "You have nothing to worry about."

"Are you sure?" He asks the question so quietly that she has to strain to hear it.

She rests her hand on his heart. "It's over. I'm with you. I want to be with you."

He leans her against his car and kisses her as the sun sets until a parking attendant politely requests that they move along.

On the drive home they discuss whether they can classify the incident as them getting into trouble with the law. She thinks not seeing as while her mother would regard their antics as somewhat improper it would still fall into acceptable good girl behaviour. His hands were above her clothes all, well, most of the time.

When they arrive at her house she doesn't kiss him on the porch. Instead, she bounds up the steps, unlocks the door and invites him inside.

It's different with Charlie. Not in a bad way, not at all. Just... _different_.

She smiles as she sleeps.

He leaves the next afternoon to check on DJ ("She was alone for the whole night, Tessa. She must have been so lonely."). She's just out of the shower when she hears the door. She throws on the UM sweatshirt he left behind and goes to answer the incessant hammering.

"Forget something?" she calls as she fiddles with the lock.

She opens the door to reveal someone who is definitely not Charlie.

"Hi Tessa."

Tessa has never been in a car crash before but she imagines that it must be a little like seeing Scott again. One minute you're driving along and everything is fine and the next you've been hurtled through a windshield or dropped over a precipice and your throat is on fire and your heart is aching. This has nothing do with her feelings for Charlie. She just isn't prepared to find Scott on her doorstep.

He holds up a plastic container and smiles nervously. "I brought you some of my mom's chocolate cake."

She tugs at the bottom of the hoodie. It's too wide for her frame but the length is not one her mother would classify as decent.

She swallows as she stares at him self-consciously."What are you doing here?"

"I'm back. We start training on Monday? I thought we should talk... We haven't seen each other since..."

She rolls her eyes grimly at his inability to finish that sentence and steps away from the door to let him in.

"I'll call your mom to thank her. You can put the cake in the fridge." She goes into her room to pull on some leggings.

"Who did you think I was?" he shouts from the kitchen.

"Meryl," she responds, a beat too fast.

"Why is there so much red meat in here?" Damn Charlie and his cooking. Is that suspicion or just bemusement in Scott's voice?

"I had low iron," she fibs. _Good girls don't lie_.

They arrive in her sitting room at the same time.

"Are you eating lots of greens too? Is everything ok?"

"Don't worry, I'm not going to faint on you on the ice. I'm all ready for training." She hates the bitterness in her voice. She curls in on herself on the armchair.

He takes a seat on the couch. The look of hurt that crosses his face almost makes her feel guilty. "I don't care about training, Tess. I'm just worried about you."

"Yeah, you've made it really clear recently just how much you care."

"It's not like I didn't try to contact you! You didn't pick up the phone. I texted and emailed and all I got was 'school is good'. I even rang _Meryl_ to check up on you." He makes it sound as if he'd done a deal with the devil himself.

"School _is_ good. There's not much else to tell you. How is _Cassandra_?" Now she does feel guilty, that girl doesn't deserve to have her name taken in vain like that.

His voice becomes stony as he looks at her meaningfully. "Let's not go there."

"You said you wanted to talk. So talk."

"Do you even want to skate with me, Tessa? Is there any point in me being here?" His voice is so plaintive that it hurts.

"Of course I want to skate with you. I'll always want to skate with you." Despite her better judgement she leans over to take his hand in hers, to reassure him that no matter what has happened between them, she's never considered ending this part of their relationship.

He looks at her so intensely and it still has the effect of leaving her a little breathless.

"I'll see you on Monday." She stands up, as if telling him that he can leave now. He's staring at her wet hair.

"Did you get your shower checked?"

"What?"

"Your shower. Is it still too loud? We've talked about this before. What if someone tries to rob you, or a fire starts?"

They have talked about this before. Scott was in fact somewhat obsessed with the fact that you couldn't really hear anything else apart from the power of the water when in Tessa's shower. He'd arrived to pick her up one morning and had let himself in (he'd had a key at that stage) and had called her name for ages until he'd barrelled into her bathroom convinced she'd collapsed. They were late for practice that morning.

She prefers the sniping to the concern, the knowledge that he cares. "There's not going to be a fire. You won't have to dance with a singed partner or find a new one before Sochi."

"Don't act like this, Tessa. Don't act like all I care about is competing. Don't act like..."

"Don't act like what, Scott? Like the bitter ex? You made it perfectly clear that I was never fit for that."

"Don't act like this is all my fault."

And with that, he's gone.

The next morning, while using the infamous shower, she reflects that Scott has a point. It is a bit of a safety hazard. She really has no clue what's going on outside. Someone could have come in and murdered Charlie for all she knows. Nevertheless, she takes her time shampooing and conditioning her hair. Her parents are coming to visit for the weekend and she has to look presentable.

She does feel a little anxious when she gets out though. She puts on her robe and rushes to the kitchen even if she can't think of anything she could do which would be of much use if Charlie had indeed been taken hostage by house invaders.

The sight that greets her is more shocking than her fears. There is Charlie, in his t-shirt and boxers, and sitting across from him is her mom, delicately sipping a cup of tea.

"Good morning, Tessa." Her mother smiles as if this is nothing out of the ordinary.

"Mom. I thought you weren't arriving until later."

"Your father wanted to get ahead of the traffic."

"Dad's here?!" She grips the chair in front of her.

"He left me off. I thought we could have some girl time while he did some work at the hotel. It's a pity he didn't call in. He could have given Charlie some advice about starting law school." She beams at him. "This is a truly delicious cup of tea."

"My mom always taught me to put in the milk first." He smiles back at her mom with a boyishly charming smile.

"She must be a woman of impeccable taste."

"I should go get dressed. It's such a pleasure to see you again, Mrs. Virtue." Charlie kisses Tessa's temple as he walks past, as if this is how they usually spend their Friday mornings - entertaining her mom.

"Call me Kate!" her mom requests.

Tessa sits down in the chair Charlie has just vacated.

"He's such a _nice boy_ , Tessa!" She's practically squealing with delight. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"It's all so new. Well, him staying here is new, very new, but we've been seeing each other for a while."

Her mom smiles, "Charlie told me that you've been dating for nearly a month now."

Dating? She didn't think either of them had a put a label on anything yet. "That's about right. I guess I didn't know what you'd think about us competing against each other."

Kate waves her hand as if to say that is irrelevant. "You're still so close with Meryl, this isn't all that different."

Tessa disagrees. It's very different.

"What about," her mom's tone becomes pinched, "Scott?"

"He doesn't know yet."

"I hope he cries."

She has rarely heard such venom in her mom's voice.

"Mom!"

She sniffs."He deserves it after all he's put you through." She looks at her watch. "I'd better look about making some appointments if you want to go to the spa for the afternoon. If you want to stay here with Charlie that's fine too." Her mom winks at her. _Winks_.

"Girl time sounds good," Tessa says hastily. "Charlie has to go make sure his dog's ok anyway."

"How very responsible!" Her mother nods approvingly.

Charlie arrives back in the kitchen fully dressed.

"I'm just going to make some calls," Kate informs him. "Are you free this evening? You could join us for dinner."

"I'd love to but I've arranged to meet my parents for dinner already..." He looks like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

Her mom's face falls in disappointment. "Oh. Wait, maybe we could all go out together?"

Tessa is about to say something about how the Whites' plans have already been made when Charlie replies, "That sounds lovely."

Her mom grins and goes into the spare room, already typing in the number of a local restaurant.

Tessa puts her face in her hands. "Oh my God."

"I'm sorry I told her we were dating. I don't know if that's what you wanted me to do, but she's such a nice lady and I didn't want her to think I was just using you as some," his voice becomes slightly hushed, "one night stand."

"I'm not upset about that. I liked that you told her that." She shakes her head. "It's her! She just invited your parents to dinner! What if you don't want them to meet me?"

He doesn't seem to understand as he scrunches his face up at her in thought. "Why wouldn't I want you to meet my parents?"

"Maybe they'd disapprove of me or something."

"My mom is really excited about meeting you. Well, meeting you again."

She thinks it's a little sad that she's glowing about how the man she's with has told his mom about the status of their relationship.

"I was going to invite you to dinner with us tonight, but then your parents were in town so I thought you'd like to spend time with them."

She leans up to kiss him. "You are so sweet," she murmurs into his ear.

"Oh! Talking about family stuff, my niece's birthday is next week and I was wondering if you'd come with me? You don't have to, I mean, it's a kid's party."

"I'd love to."

"You would?" He looks so happy.

She just smiles and kisses him again.

 

_I want to exorcise the demons from your past_

_I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart_

('Undisclosed Desires', Muse)

 

If someone had told Tessa at the end of last season that the end of her first week back at training would coincide with her first month anniversary with Charlie White she would have laughed in their face. And then felt guilty because it was cruel to mock the delusional. But here she is, fixing her hair in the mirror as she waits for him to pick her up for dinner. The world is a funny place.

The doorbell rings and she's about to run but then she remembers her new shoes and thinks that a broken ankle wouldn't be the prettiest of accessories.

She opens the door to find Scott.

He takes a step back. "Wow, you look..." He shakes his head, "Are you going someplace special?"

"Out to dinner with Meryl and Charlie." Charlie is going to arrive any second now, this is not good.

"Oh, um, that's nice." She knows she has to tell him, she just doesn't know how.

"Why are you here?" she asks as gently as she can. She's trying to be good.

"I brought you a gift." He hands her a neatly wrapped, slim, rectangular object.

She blinks at him as she looks from him to the package before taking it. "Why? You don't usually just give me presents. Unless it's right before Worlds," she amends, remembering the bucket of rice.

She motions for him to come in and they go into the sitting room. She sits opposite the window in case she has to send some message to Charlie.

Scott shrugs as if the gift is no big deal. "We had a good week. Even with the Yankee Polka." He grimaces and she can't help but laugh.

She pulls off the red wrapping paper to reveal a bar of Lindt chocolate.

"It's not like it was expensive."

"It's my favourite," she says simply. She looks up at him and smiles, "We did have a good week."

On the ice it was like nothing had changed. They were still Tessa and Scott, two puzzle pieces made to fit.

She sees Charlie pull up. He starts to make his way towards the house carrying this big, beautiful bouquet of flowers. She's about to stand up and start jumping when he must notice Scott's car. He rushes back and stows the flowers in the backseat.

"What do you think?"

She hasn't taken in anything of what Scott's been saying to her. "Sorry, could you say that again?"

"What do you think Marina's big plan for this free dance is?"

"I stopped trying to expect what Marina is going to do a long time ago."

Scott's laughter mingles with the sound of the doorbell ringing.

He stands up. "I'd better get going. Is Meryl collecting you?"

"No, Charlie is." If Scott thinks this is odd it doesn't register on his face.

They walk to the door and open it to see Charlie wiping his palms on his trousers.

"Hey Scott!" He sounds nervous but she doesn't know if that's only to her.

"So I hear you're taking Tessa and Meryl out for dinner?"

It's remarkable that Scott helps cover for her when the person she's deceiving is him.

"Yeah, the three musketeers. Would you like to come too?"

She manages not to scream.

"Thanks, but I can't. My... I have a visitor coming tonight and I need to get my place ready."

"Maybe next time then," Charlie smiles easily as if this is actually likely.

"Maybe. I'll see you both on Monday. Have a good weekend. Don't eat all the chocolate in one sitting, Tess." He winks at her as he shuts the door behind him.

She and Charlie breathe identical sighs of relief.

"That was close," he gulps.

"You made it worse! How were you going to magic Meryl away from that sorority event?"

"I hadn't exactly planned that far ahead."

She tousles his curls. "I guess you're the pretty one and I'm the brains in this relationship."

"I think you're both." He twirls her around before gathering her close to him. "You looks so beautiful." He lets one hand tentatively touch a curl beside her face before a smile breaks out across his face.

She kisses him softly. "We should probably get going if we want to make our reservation."

"I hope you're ready for car games. It's a two hour trip," he reminds her as she locks up.

"The difficulties of having a clandestine love affair," she jokes.

"In case Scott was suspicious, maybe I shouldn't stay here tonight... He might do a drive-by looking for my car."

"You can just say that you don't want to leave DJ alone." She rolls her eyes as she gets into the car.

"She misses us when we're gone."

A giddy feeling rushes through her. "I like that we're an us."

He reaches over from the driver's side and holds her hand. "So do I."

 

It's the dog that gives them away.

Tessa rushes out of practice on Monday in a tizzy because this new free dance is beyond her. Marina has brought in Tessa's old dance teacher, Jennifer Swan, and together they've come up with what looks to her to be the most sexually charged choreography ever intended to hit the ice. Tessa is not ready to be _Carmen_. Marina _knows_ about her history with Scott. Marina _knows_ that she's with Charlie and that he's going to have to see her and Scott like that every day for the next few months. Is she trying to break them up?

When she makes it outside she's greeted by DJ running in circles around her feet; and the sight of Charlie standing beside her car holding a dog basket and a box of doggy toys.

"Is it my turn to take the kid?" she quips. She bends over and lifts the dog into her arms.

"She was very poorly this morning, so I rang the vet and he said I should keep an eye on her. But I have practice and class; and I knew you were finishing early today, so I was wondering if maybe you'd look after her?" He says all this very quickly and with much concern in his voice.

DJ is currently alternating between yelping happily and licking Tessa's face. "She seems really sick alright." She laughs as she cradles the dog.

"She only brightened up when you came! If you're too busy I can call my mom or something..."

She strokes his arm. "It's fine. Put the stuff in the back of the car." She rubs her nose against DJ's. "Your daddy is so overprotective."

"You are the best girlfriend ever," he affirms as they settle DJ into the backseat.

"You just want me for my dog sitting skills," she sighs.

"Maybe some other reasons too," he grins. "How was practice?"

"We can talk about it later." He squeezes her hand before thanking her and petting DJ one last time.

She watches as Charlie heads into the rink and is just about to start the car when Scott climbs in the passenger side.

"You're fucking Charlie White."

" _Excuse me?_!" She turns towards him angrily.

"You're _fucking_ Charlie White. Don't play dumb with me, Tessa. I saw you together. His dog was all over you like you were its mom or something."

DJ barks as if to tell him that Tessa is her mom, thank you very much.

"And the way you were looking at each other... He was at your house on Friday, it all makes sense." He acts as if this is all some crime against humanity.

"I'm not _fucking_ Charlie." Her heart is racing as she stares at him just as angry. "We're dating."

Scott is struck silent for a second. "You can't be dating him." He begins shaking his head like the more he protests the more it really can’t be true.

"Why not? Am I not good enough? Not a nice enough girl? Do I have too much of a history?"

"Gee, Tessa, I don't know. What about the fact that he's our biggest competition?"

"It won't affect my skating," she says determinedly.

"It'll affect how you view him! And, and it's not just that. Charlie fucking pretty-boy White? I knew you were seeing someone, but I thought it was just some frat boy you'd picked up at summer school." His voice is determined as he makes his next proclamation, “He's not your type."

"Oh, and what is my type then, _Scott_?" She spits his name out like it’s dirty for the first time in their lives.

"Assholes who treat you like shit. Someone you can just use for sex and don't have to care about."

It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the car. "You can leave now," she tells him coldly.

Guilt radiates off him. "I didn't mean for it to come out like that. It's just - you've never had a serious relationship."

"And why do you think that is?" She feels herself crumbling as she wraps her arms around herself like a shield. “I was _in love_ with you, I _wanted_ you, I was _waiting_ for you!" She breaks down into tears.

He goes to comfort her but she pushes him away. "Don't you dare touch me! This is not going to happen again. You can't wait until I make a mistake and swoop in to catch me before I fall. You can't break me down and build me up. I am in a serious relationship with Charlie fucking White and you're going to have to deal with it."

DJ whimpers in the back of the car. "You're upsetting my boyfriend's dog, so I'd like you to go."

He shakes his head. "We're not done with this, Tessa." He slams the door behind him.

She doesn't know how she manages to get home, but she does. She curls up on her couch with DJ beside her and just cries. She's feeling calmer by the time Charlie arrives.

He wraps her into his arms as soon as he's in the door. "Scott rang me."

"That must have been a fun conversation."

"He told me I needed to go take care of you because you were probably a mess. And that if I didn't he would murder me and feed me to the cows on his uncle's farm."

"It all sounds a lot more pleasant than the talk I had with him." She looks up at him, "Charlie, what do you want from me? What do you want from this?"

He caresses her face, touching her gently as if he can't bear to hurt her, or as if he fears she might break. "You, Tessa. I just want you."

And he is exactly what she needs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me."  
> "Epic how?"  
> "Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC."  
> ...  
> "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"  
> "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."  
> ("Look Who's Stalking", 2x20, 'Veronica Mars')
> 
> 'Can you date your competition?', 'Can you be friends with someone you have so much history with?', 'How much wine is too much?', and other questions.
> 
> Thanks to icedancedreamer and aluminescence for making this fic the best it could be.

_Please don't let this turn into something it's not_

_I can only give you everything I've got_

_I can't be as sorry as you think I should_

_But I still love you more than anyone else could._

('Make This Go On Forever', Snow Patrol)

 

Spring 2013

Disappointment and happiness make for strange bedfellows. Tessa is happy for Charlie and Meryl, of course she is but... This was their home Worlds, they didn't come here for second place. _Carmen_ , with all its athleticism and difficulty, all its passion and pain, and all the trouble and temptation it had brought with it, was not a programme intended for second place.

After the press conference, she and Charlie unobtrusively leave one after the other and head down a deserted hallway. Charlie leans against one wall and she sits with her back against the one opposite.

"I don't know what I should say. I'm happy for us, but I'm sad for you. I'm sorry?" He looks at her so earnestly.

"You shouldn't be sorry. You skated your best." She looks down at the ground. She should be able to manage more than this. This boy who has trusted her with his heart, even as he watched her seduce the man she has so much history with on the ice for the past few months, he deserves more.

She lifts her head and smiles, "I'm so proud of you."

He takes her hand and helps her up. "I'm proud of you too. I'm proud of us for getting through all of this."

He leans in to kiss her when she hears Scott calling her name and takes a step back.

Scott looks from her to Charlie and back again. "You do know this place is crawling with media?" He closes his eyes as if trying to stop himself from saying something he shouldn't. "Some Skate Canada officials want to talk with us, Tessa. We should go meet them."

"Sure." She turns to Charlie, "I'll see you later."

He smiles at her and nods at Scott.

"Do you know what this is about?" she asks him as he guides her through a throng of people.

He shrugs and opens the door of the conference room. Inside are a number of top Skate Canada officials and Marina, all seated around a table. She and Scott are instructed to sit down and even while the 'congratulations' and 'tough lucks' are flying around the room she has the distinct feeling that she's on trial.

A lull comes to the conversation and the chief executive clears his throat. "Tessa, we've heard something that's causing us a bit of concern. It's about your relationship with Charlie White."

It all becomes rather surreal as Tessa is lectured about distractions and complications. She is reminded that they are heading into an Olympic season. Her anger is building as these people tell her how to live her life. Some woman, whom Tessa has never liked (she had counselled Scott to think about finding a new partner during Tessa's second bout of compartment syndrome), has the audacity to try and tell her about what representing the maple leaf entails.

"Tessa has been nothing but the perfect example of a Team Canada athlete," Scott snaps. "Where are all your medals? I think we've heard enough."

She looks at him in surprise. She had been wondering if he'd been the one behind all of this.

The officials file out leaving just them and Marina, who has been silent the entire time.

"I thought you were being careful," Scott sighs.

"We were! Someone must have told them."

"I did." Marina stands up.

"What?" Tessa is genuinely shocked as she stares at Marina feeling the hurt creep in. "You said you didn't have a problem with it!"

"I didn't think it would go on this long. I thought it was a summer fling, but then winter came, and spring, and soon it will be summer again. People will find out and how will the judges mark you and Scott's wonderful chemistry then? Who will believe it? Or Charlie and Meryl either? I can't take any chances." She squeezes Tessa's shoulder as if that could be constituted as an apology and leaves.

"She should have just talked to you. She should never have brought in all of those idiots," Scott still sounds angry.

She starts to tear up. "Am I the reason that we lost? Is that what they think? Is that what _you_ think?" She’s not sure that she can handle him thinking of her as the reason for their loss.

"No, Tessa." He's looking at her with this, this _gentleness_ , that she hasn't seen in the longest time. "You were amazing. We lost..." He shakes his head. "I don't know why we lost, but it wasn't because of you."

"I can't believe I just sat there while they said all those things. I could have explained _why_ Charlie is good for me."

"Can you explain it to me?" There's no hint of malice in his voice, he genuinely wants to know. She comes to the realisation that she's never given him reasons for why she's in a relationship with Charlie, she's just demanded that he accept it.

"Sometimes I feel like I have to be everything to everyone. I'm pulled in all these directions. You want something, Marina wants something, Meryl wants something. My mom expects me to be a certain way. My school expects all these things of me. And then there's _Charlie_. Charlie doesn't expect or want anything. There's no agenda. He just wants _me_ , and I think I need that."

He sits there in silence before saying, "I'm not going to ask you to end things if ...if he's what you need. We can deal with Skate Canada."

"They're right though, in some ways," she admits quietly. "I've known this has been coming for a while. It's not fair to anyone. We have the Olympics next year and that's what we need to be focusing on."

It's the first time she's suggested out loud that she and Charlie will have to end things and it hurts to say it.

Scott puts his hand over hers, "If it will make things easier for you we can leave Canton."

She shakes her head and attempts a smile. "I wouldn't ask you to do that."

"I really wouldn't mind," he says grimly.

"Where would we go?"

"I don't know. Montréal?"

"Marie-France and Patrice are just starting out." She tries to think. "How about DSC?"

"Not with Kaitlyn and Andrew already there."

"You afraid I'll move in on Andrew next?"

He looks hurt that she'd suggest that to him before he realises that she's joking and makes this little half-laugh. "No, I'd just like to still have some friends in ice dance after the end of this."

"You'll have me." It's the first time in a while that she's been sure of this, that they _can_ be friends.

He grins and puts his arms around her, and, for once, she lets herself melt into him.

A janitor comes in and makes a hurried apology before escaping.

"He probably thinks we're having some secret tryst," Scott snorts.

"If it had been any other year..." she comments drily.

He gives her his hand as she gets up off the chair. "We're going to be ok, kiddo. It took us a while, but we're going to be ok."

She believes him.

 

Tessa goes to Charlie's room that night like they'd arranged, even though her plans are now vastly different.

He opens the door and she knows from his face that he has had a similar evening to her own.

"Marina talk to some people at USFSA?" Her voice is defeated as she raises an eyebrow.

He nods solemnly. She follows him in and they sit side by side at the bottom of his bed.

"Meryl did not take well to them telling me what to do with my life."

"Scott wasn't impressed either."

Charlie's voice takes on a dark tone."Really? I thought he'd have led the case for the prosecution."

"It's not like he's ever actually interfered."

He examines her as if trying to see whether something has changed.

"He told me that he wouldn't ask me to end things with you if that wasn't what I wanted."

"And what did you say to that?" Charlie asks quietly.

A sob rises in her throat."I- I told him that I knew that what we're doing isn't fair. And it's not. I love you, Charlie, but this isn't fair to you or to Scott or to Meryl or to anyone who is depending on us. We have the Olympics to think about."

She wants to say more, to tell him about the way he makes her feel about herself, to tell him the things she told Scott about how he's different to anyone else in her life, but she can't get the words out.

He strokes her hair as she cries and he murmurs in her ear, over and over, that there is life after the Olympics.

 

_It's hard to argue when_

_you won't stop making sense_

_But my tongue still misbehaves and it_

_keeps digging my own grave_

('Hands Open', Snow Patrol)

 

_Summer 2013 _

Tessa is coping better after her break-up/ promise of 'maybe after the Olympics' with Charlie than she expected to. She thinks this may have a lot to do with the fact that she's in Canada and wouldn't have seen him anyway. It's not that it's easy, it's just that she can handle it.

She misses listening to him practising the violin, she misses his curls, she misses DJ. She misses telling him any random thought that pops into her head. She has to actively stop herself from texting him funny stories about what's happening on the SOI tour. It's the most uncomplicated tour she's ever been on thanks to the not being involved with Scott anymore thing.

"Why don't we do this every tour? It's so much fun!" Tessa bounces up and down on the hotel bed, trying to outdo Kaitlyn.

"Will you two stop it?" Joannie pleads. "I can't have the top Canadian ice dancers breaking their legs on my watch. I'll give you more wine if you sit down!"

They comply and Joannie fills their glasses.

"To answer your question, Tessa - we didn't do this before now because you were always off somewhere with Scott," Kaitlyn explains while nodding her head seriously and clinging onto her wine glass.

"Oh. Yeah. Well, that's different this year." She becomes pensive. "You know, this is the first time in the last - I'd say seven years that I've been properly single." She nods before taking a sip. "There was always Scott, or being hung up on Scott, or seeing some guy to take my mind off Scott. And then," she raises her glass, "there was Charlie." She sighs as she says his name.

"You never told me you were with anyone!" Joannie exclaims. "What was he like?"

Tessa screws up her face in confusion. "You know what he's like." She snorts and shakes her head as she thinks of the mop of curls and awkward laughter that he’s always worn like his sweet smile and Polo shirts.

"How would we know what he's like if he don't know who he is?" Kaitlyn rolls her eyes.

"You do know who he is. Charlie White."

"Charlie White," Joannie repeats.

" _American ice dancer_ , Charlie White?" Kaitlyn squeals.

"I don't see why this is such a shock," she sniffs.

"Um, you're _you_. And he looks like he's still dressed by his mom?" Kaitlyn throws her arms out wide.

"Jacqui has very good taste," Tessa says defensively.

"You always dated bad boys and Charlie... he is _not_ a bad boy." Joannie shakes her head very seriously.

"Bad boys? Under what criteria does _Scott_ count as a bad boy? He can't sleep without reading before bed. Unless he's had sex," she allows.

Joannie grimaces as if this is more information than she requires while Kaitlyn rolls around the bed in a fit of laughter.

She suddenly sits up, "You were dating right, not hooking up or whatever?"

"You do not _hook up_ with Charlie. He is a _nice boy_ ," Tessa clucks.

"Nice isn't very exciting," Joannie notes.

"It's exciting in its own way! He's sweet and kind and funny." Tessa drains her glass. "Yeah sure, he isn't the type to feel you up so much during your brother's engagement party that you have to take him upstairs to your childhood bedroom and have your way with him up against a wall because you can't get to the bed fast enough, but that's more than likely a good thing."

Kaitlyn spits out her drink. Joannie flops down on the bed opposite the one Tessa and Kaitlyn are occupying and wails dramatically, " _I was at your brother's engagement party!_ "

Kaitlyn sighs dreamily, "What's it like to have sex with your partner?"

"Oh my God!" Joannie shakes her head."You ice dancers are _insane_!"

"You mean you don't know?" Tessa cackles.

"Do you think I'd be asking you if I did?" Kaitlyn whines with a downturned mouth.

"Sorry." She should be more sensitive, it's just that she'd assumed that Kaitlyn and Andrew were platonic in the Skate Canada way as opposed to the ways of the rest of the world.

"It's... well, I don't know if it was because he was my partner or because he was Scott, or maybe he's my partner because he's Scott or..." Kaitlyn coughs impatiently. "Anyway, you're already so connected so everything is more, I don't know, intimate or intense." She breathes out and then suddenly shakes her head. "I shouldn't be talking about this. I can't be talking about Scott like that when I'm in love with Charlie!"

"You love him?" Joannie sounds so surprised.

"Yes, yes I do."

"But you're not together now, right?" Kaitlyn questions.

"No, but it's not like it's over-over. We'll see after the Olympics."

"Oh. That's a lot more serious than I thought." Tessa looks over to where Joannie is tracing the pattern on the quilt with her finger. "I always believed you'd end up with Scott."

"I did too, but then... We were so messy. It wasn't healthy - it was on it was off, it was up it was down, it was miserable it was magical... We hurt people." She closes her eyes. "I had all these dreams that things would work out and we'd get married and have four kids, two boys two girls, and live in a house by a lake but..."

She hears Joannie whisper, "She lost her virginity to him in a lake."

Her eyes dart open. "It wasn't _in_ the lake! It was in his truck afterwards!"

Kaitlyn snorts. "I don't know if that's any better. At least you'd have more room in the lake..."

"He had a very spacious truck! And anyway, who knows what you'd pick up in a lake. At least Scott is very fastidious about keeping his car clean."

"I've had enough! I'm going to sleep!" Joannie announces.

"She was the one who brought up sex in lakes," Kaitlyn mutters.

"Do you want to sleep here tonight?" Tessa asks when her friend struggles to get up.

Kaitlyn lies back down. After a few minutes of silence, and when Tessa's just about to fall asleep, the other girl asks softly, "Do you ever get over him?" Tessa doesn't need to ask who or what she's talking about.

"I don't know if you do. I will always love him." The words tumble out of her mouth before she can catch them. She tries to clarify, "I mean, in a different way but..."

Kaitlyn ignores her rambling, only catching the most important part of what she’s said. " _Always?_ "

"Always."

She wants to cry and she doesn't know if this is about Scott or Charlie or because Kaitlyn has to ask these questions. She thinks that maybe she isn't coping as well as she thought she was after all.

 

Tessa arrives back in Canton a few days before training is due to start. There's no need for summer school as she's managed to finish her undergrad and she's putting off her masters until after the Olympics. A lot of things are to be put off until after the Olympics. One thing is certain, she was right about it being harder here.

It's also hotter here. She goes to the shop to buy ice, or ice cream, or anything that might cool her down. Even though she's wearing shorts and a tank top her ponytail still sticks to the back of her neck. She's about to fall into the freezer when a hand steadies her back and picks up the ice she was reaching for.

"Hi." Charlie's hair is shorter. It looks good.

"Hi." He still has his hand at her waist and they're standing much too close together but she really doesn't care.

"I miss you." She feels like there's a lot in those three little words and the way he says them, like missing her has been his primary emotion recently.

"I miss you too."

They walk very slowly to the check-out. He tells her all about the new trick DJ has learned and she informs him of her and Kaitlyn's plan to become a singing duo.

He puts her groceries in the back of her car. They stand there just looking at one another.

He draws her in closer to him. "We haven't started training yet."

His fingers are at the waistband of her denim shorts and she thinks this is entirely too much physical contact. 

"We wanted a clean break. We said it would be easier," she parrots.

"Nothing about this is easy, Tessa." He looks at her with this desperation she's never seen from him before. "I need you."

That's all he has to say.

 

"I like your hair like this," she tells him as she runs her fingers through it. "Meryl told me you had cut it and I didn't know what to expect but I like it."

"I'm glad it meets your approval." She can taste his laughter on his lips when he kisses her.

The doorbell rings and she scrambles out of bed, struggling to put on the clothes that are lying on the floor. "I didn't think the delivery guy would be here this early."

It's not the delivery guy. Scott is at her door bearing three tubs of ice cream.

He grins, "I thought you'd need something to cool you down what with the heat wave."

She hears Charlie leaving her room and coming down the hall, "Tessa, do you need any money?" His footsteps slow as he comes closer to the door.

" _Jesus Christ_ , Tess. You've been here what? All of two fucking days?"

"Don't speak to her like that!" Charlie growls.

"Enjoy the ice-cream." He leaves it on the doorstep and storms off.

She runs out into the garden, managing to set off the sprinkler system in the process. He jumps when a spray of water hits him. She grabs his wrist and he turns around.

"You couldn't manage 48 hours?" He sounds so tired that it takes her off guard.

"It's not like I planned this! I just bumped into him. We, we haven't started training yet."

"You said it was over, Tessa. You said you wanted a clean break. You're only going to make things harder for yourself." He has to raise his voice so that she can hear him over the water that's currently attempting to drench them.

"You know me. I couldn't control myself around you even when you had a girlfriend," she says bitterly.

A pained expression crosses his face. "Don't say things like that." His voice is softer now, "It wasn't you..." He reaches out and puts a piece of hair that's fallen across her face behind her ear. "You should go inside before you get any wetter. We can talk about this later."

"It was just this once, _I promise_."

He leaves and she stands in her manufactured rainfall and watches him drive off.

Charlie is waiting for her at the door with a towel and stony eyes. "Why did you go after him?"

"I told him that you and I had ended things and then he comes here and finds us... He deserved an explanation."

"How does he deserve an explanation? He hurt you so many times. He broke your heart, you owe him nothing."

"He's still my partner, Charlie! He's still the boy I've known since I was seven." She says softly, "I broke his heart too."

It was easy to represent it all in her head as if Scott had strung her along while he did as he pleased but that wasn't how it happened. She had dated all those idiots. She had never asked him to break it off with his girlfriend. She hadn't asked him to be with her until after all the damage had been done. Until they were too broken to fix, too messed up to make things right. She had hurt him just as much as he had hurt her. She isn't going to make the same mistakes again.

"Charlie, if we're going to do this then we're going to do this right. We can't say we're going to stop and then just give in at the first sight of temptation. I will wait for you. I will wait until this is all over."

He hugs her to him and she rests her head on his heart. "I'll wait for you too. We can handle a few months."

This is ok. She can do this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me."  
> "Epic how?"  
> "Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC."  
> ...  
> "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"  
> "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."  
> ("Look Who's Stalking", 2x20, 'Veronica Mars')
> 
> The awkward moment when your kind of boyfriend beats you and your kind of ex at the Olympics.  
> Tessa misses skating (and maybe other things).
> 
> A huge thank you to aluminescence for reading this, and to icedancedreamer who I think might get this fic better than I do.

_And I've seen your flag on the marble arch_

_and love is not a victory march_

_It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

('Hallelujah', Jeff Buckley)

 

Spring 2014

Tessa doesn't know how to feel. _Silver_. She thinks she's flitting between devastation and delight at such a quick rate that she almost feels nothing at all. She had been so happy coming off the ice, even happier than she had been in Vancouver. And then they'd waited, waited for Meryl and Charlie to skate. And then they had known. And then there'd been hugs which were too long and too short all at once. And then there were so many cameras. And now she is helping Scott put a drunk Chiddy to bed.

"At least we're coping better than he is," she whispers.

"There's still a half-full bottle of vodka on the ground," Scott murmurs.

She retrieves it and daintily takes off the lid before taking a swig.

"Tessa! You don't like..." She can't hear whatever he says next over her hacking cough. Her throat burns and her eyes begin to stream. Scott rescues the bottle from her grasp and takes her into his arms, rubbing her back gently.

"It's ok, Tess. Everything is going to be ok."

"It all went so perfectly, " she sobs. "But it wasn't enough, we still didn't win. I thought, I thought if we skated that well... And it's not as if I'm not happy for Charlie and Meryl, I am, but... What am I going to say to them? What am I going to tell... Oh my God, Charlie..." She backs away from Scott.

Patrick suddenly sits up. "Charlie owes me money for all those phone calls." He lies back down.

Scott runs a hand through his hair. "Alcohol can have a funny effect on people." He looks up at her and sighs, "You should go see Charlie."

"What?" She can't have heard him correctly.

He shrugs. "You've been waiting long enough. He makes you happy, doesn't he?"

She nods dumbly.

"You deserve all the happiness in the world," he closes the distance between them and kisses her softly on the forehead.

She goes to leave but hesitates at the door. "It's different to Vancouver, isn't it?"

He laughs. "Well, yes." He starts to count on his fingers. "We didn't win. We're not in Canada. You're not in pain. We're not... doing what we were doing."

"It's different," she repeats. She remembers the night they won in Vancouver. She'd been so caught up in all of the joy and excitement that she couldn't feel the pain. She'd even wondered if she had been magically cured until she woke up in tears in Scott's arms the next morning. He kissed the tears away, he made her forget everything all over again. He is still trying to make her feel better now.

"I wouldn't change it though. Vancouver or this. They were both special."

"Me either." She realises that she means it. "I wouldn't change it for the world."

It's not until she's outside in the Olympic village that it becomes clear that she has no idea where Team USA are living; and even if she did, would Charlie even be there? He could be out celebrating with Russian supermodels or something. She suddenly feels very stupid. Does she even have a plan? Does she just expect Charlie to want to pick up where they'd left off?

"Tessa?" She spins around to find just who she's been looking for.

"Charlie!" A huge smile erupts across her face. The competition and the medals don't seem as important anymore.

"I've been looking for you for ages." His ears go slightly pink after this revelation.

"You have? I didn't know if you'd want to see me tonight. I thought you might be busy."

"Busy doing what?" He takes a step closer to her.

"Oh, I don't know, partying with blondes."

He's looking at her as if she's crazy. She thinks she might be. "It's after the Olympics," she squeaks.

"They're not over yet." He adds hastily, "We're done competing though, so that's what counts."

She's so nervous, which is weird because Charlie never makes her nervous. "What do you want to do? Do you still..." She doesn't know how to finish that question - do you still want to be with me? do you still love me?

He strokes a finger down her cheek. "Right now I just _really_ want to kiss you."

She beams, "I think that can be arranged."

He lifts her up and kisses her like it's all he's been wanting to do for months now. He twirls her around and she laughs. She laughs because this is still so simple. She laughs because it's ridiculous that she's here kissing the boy who just ousted her as an Olympic champion. She laughs because she's just really, really happy.

Charlie's face suddenly becomes very serious. "I love you, Tessa."

"I love you too."

She wakes up the next morning with a smile on her face to see Kaitlyn sitting up in bed surrounded by every gadget known to man.

"Are you doing some research?" Tessa asks.

"Good morning," Kaitlyn's smile doesn't seem as bright as usual. Tessa probably shouldn't have kept her up so late last night telling her all about her romantic reunion with Charlie under the Russian stars. "What's your policy on shooting messengers?"

Tessa just looks at her quizzically and Kaitlyn turns around her laptop. Plastered all over TMZ are pictures of her and Charlie from last night.

"Oh." Kaitlyn hands her the iPad and Tessa scrolls through tweet after tweet speculating about her relationship with Charlie.

"You broke the internet. Tumblr crashed. It's pretty impressive to be honest. And, and most people think you two look really good together!"

Tessa gets up and starts to pace around the room. "We haven't even made any decisions yet. What is Scott going to say? We have all these interviews and press conferences today!"

There's a knock at the door. She opens it, fully expecting to see Scott, but instead finds Meryl.

"You saw the pictures?" Tessa says weakly.

"I did! You two look so happy! You should have come and talked to me about it last night," Meryl pouts.

"You had just won. I'm so sorry everyone is talking about this and not you winning."

"Well, this is pretty exciting. Now, I can finally share all those _adorable_ pictures of you and Charlie with the world!" Meryl plops down on Kaitlyn's bed and starts to show her said photos on her phone.

As her two friends 'ooh' and 'ah' another knock comes.

This time it's Charlie.

"Hi Charlie!" Kaitlyn and Meryl chorus.

"Oh my God! Look at them! They're just so cute!" Kaitlyn exclaims.

Charlie looks at Tessa with abject fear. "I think we should talk outside," she suggests.

He takes her hand and they go out into the corridor. A speed skater passes them and winks.

"At least now we don't have to figure out a way to tell people." It's just so Charlie, always seeing the best in any situation.

"There are going to be so many questions, and how are we going to answer them?" Tessa is not feeling as calm about this.

Charlie holds up her hand and interlaces his fingers with hers. "We'll just tell them the truth. We were dating, and then we stopped so that we could focus on the Olympics. Now that's over so we're," he pauses to think, "figuring things out."

"And have you? Figured things out I mean?"

"I've figured out that I want to be with you." The smoothness of this statement is counteracted by his subsequent blush and clarification of, "If that's what you want! Not that I wouldn't want to be with you if you didn't, just that..."

She presses a quick kiss to his lips. "I want to be with you too."

He breathes a sigh of relief. She laughs, and is about to kiss him again when she hears Scott clearing his throat. Charlie backs away from her. "

So, you two are causing quite a stir," Scott comments.

"We're just planning our press conference strategy," Tessa explains.

"Ah, the relationship question. What response are you going with?"

"The truth," Charlie replies.

"That's a new one," Scott remarks.

"Tessa!!!" Kaitlyn screeches and throws open the door, shoving Meryl's phone in Tessa's face. "Are you serious?! What is this, an _engagement photo shoot_?"

Tessa examines the photo of her, Charlie and DJ. It is rather sweet.

Kaitlyn seems to have only just registered Scott's presence. She goes white and stammers, "I'm not saying I want them to get married!!"

Scott coughs. "Ok then... I guess I'll see you before the press conference."

The press conference goes surprisingly well apart from one question. A male journalist asks Scott if he felt she was responsible for their silver medal. Tessa feels like she's about to sick.

"Well, yes if you're talking about winning the silver. Tessa is responsible for everything that makes us special and she makes me a better skater every day. No, if you're talking about losing the gold. We didn't lost the gold anyway but... I could never blame Tessa. She has sacrificed so much for our Olympic dream, so much for me, and," he turns to look at her, "there is no one else I would have done this with."

She squeezes his hand under the table.

 

Summer 2014

The next few months pass in a blur of shows and interviews and appearances. She doesn't see as much of Charlie as she'd like to until after Stars on Ice when they go on a month long holiday together. It's the first time they've had a chance to be a proper couple, not having to hide from anyone, and it strikes Tessa that this might be the first time she's been in a proper relationship at all. It feels rather perfect. They travel Europe together hand in hand. He takes her shopping in London. She kisses him at the top of the leaning tower of Pisa. They take in almost every place of historical significance in Berlin. They don't go to Paris.

He asks her why she doesn't want to go and she shrugs and tells him that she's been there so many times, that it just makes her think about competing and she wants a break. Really, it just has too many memories of Scott. Boat rides on the Seine. Running through the streets as the rain began to fall to get to the hotel before Marina murdered them for being out late the night before a competition. How he'd present her with a pain au chocolat in bed first thing in the morning. She'd try to refuse it, "We have a competition, Scott!", and he'd just reply, "I won't tell if you don't." He told her that the only time he liked the taste of chocolate was when it came from her lips.

So, she doesn't go to Paris with Charlie.

Scott seems to be coming around to the idea of her and Charlie. It's not like he's the biggest fan of the relationship, but he seems to have accepted it. Until, one night as he's driving her home from a speaking engagement, she tells him that she's moving in with Charlie.

"You're doing what?!" His knuckles go white against the steering wheel.

"We're moving in together. There isn't all that much point in keeping my house in Canton and I'll stay with him while I do my masters at UM."

"I guess that makes sense." He doesn't sound all that convinced. "And what are you going to do after that?"

"He has a job lined up in Boston with an old professor for when he finishes law school. I don't know, I guess we'll see."

Scott stops the car in front of her parents' house and stares straight ahead as he speaks before finally turning his gaze to her. "You're going to move to Boston with him?"

"We haven't decided anything yet. He'll be going in January and I won't be finished until next summer so... we'll see what happens."

"I don't think you should go with him, Tessa. This is all getting really serious really fast."

"It feels pretty serious," she says softly.

"He's not right for you. You're not..." His hands are gripping onto the steering wheel.

"That's all you have? 'He's not right for you', 'He's not your type'. Nothing more substantial. _Give me a reason, Scott_."

He looks defeated. "I don't have any good ones."

"Well then, don't tell me how to live my life," she snaps. "I'm not telling you how to live yours."

"What's that supposed to mean?" His voice is incredulous as his brows furrow together.

"I don't know. You're 'on the outs' with one girl and getting very friendly with another. It all sounds rather familiar."

"It's not the same. They're not you."

"How so? They're able to say no to you? They didn't keep going back to you for years even though you had a girlfriend?" She slams the door of his car and storms away.

He follows her. "Tessa! That's not what I meant at all! You... "

She turns around. "Don't, Scott, just don't. You go off and do whatever you want. I'm going to move in with Charlie and that's that. We're done with shows for the summer so maybe we should take a break."

He takes a step back, "A break?"

"Yes. We'll, we'll talk when we're ready." All the fight has left her voice.

"If that's what you want," he sighs.

"It is." Isn't it?

He walks away and she lets herself into the house. Her parents are in the sitting room.

"Scott's not coming in?" Her dad sounds disappointed.

"No. He didn't take too well to the news about me and Charlie."

"That's a shocker," her mom sniffs.

"I'm going up to bed." She closes the door behind her but pauses when she hears her father start to speak.

"I wish he'd done a better job of persuading her against it."

"Jim! You like Charlie!" Kate admonishes.

"I also like toast, it doesn't mean I want my daughter to shack up with it."

"Well really, there's no need to be so flippant."

"You know how I feel about this, Kate," her father's tone gets stronger.

"She's made her choice. You need to move on, _the two of you_."

"She's not the same when she's with him and you know it. She doesn't _shine_ the way she does with Scott." Tessa has to brace herself against the wall to stop herself from falling over. "I know he's a nice boy, and he's going to have a good career, and he's from money but..."

She can hear her mom throw down the magazine she was flicking through. "Don't you dare, Jim. Don't you dare make it seem like this is about status or money. I love Scott; and I love his family. What I don't love is seeing him break our daughter's heart, over and over again."

"It could be different," Jim says stubbornly. "You know he loves her more than anything, you know that what they have is special."

"I understand that. It's _special_ , it's _different_ , it's _powerful_. It's too powerful! She might never feel the same way about Charlie that she feels about Scott, but I'm ok with that. I would rather see her a little less happy in a stable relationship than the happiest she could possibly be in one that changes from one moment to the next. I don't want her to spend her life swinging from one emotion to the other and never knowing where she stands."

Tessa hears her dad take her mom into his arms and soothe her as she cries. Tessa tries to walk up the stairs with her blurry eyes. She wishes someone was here to hold her.

 

_Please don't stop loving me, loving me..._

_Wanting me, wanting me like you do_

_Please don't stop caring now, caring now_

('Losing Sleep', John Newman)

 

Spring 2015 

Tessa feels a little lost. Maybe a lot lost. She's just so _lonely_. Her first few months back in Canton were wonderful but now Charlie is working in Boston and Meryl has gone off to study in Italy for a semester. She's left in a big house that doesn't feel like home with only DJ for company.

There's one thing that bothers her more than the loneliness though, and that's missing skating. She had thought she would be ready to give it up, relieved that her competitive days were over even, but it's like the biggest part of her life has been surgically removed and she's just an empty shell without it. She goes to the rink most days, like an addict for a fix, but it's not the same. It's not the same without Scott.

In some effort to try and reclaim her old life or remember who she was before, she ends up spending a lot of time helping Marina out with her new couples. She advises them on choreography, connection, costumes, anything and everything. It's strange to have this new type of professional relationship with Marina, especially after all of the drama of the past few seasons. It's also changed their personal relationship and Marina seems even more opinionated about Tessa's life than ever before.

"So, you're going to spend this weekend in Boston with Charlie, yes?" Marina asks as they watch one of her teams from the boards.

"Yes, I leave Friday morning," Tessa smiles.

"It must be hard for you, especially as his ex-girlfriend is working with him," Marina says silkily.

"How do you know about Tanith?" Tessa demands.

"I have my ways, Tessa. It must be difficult, you alone here, him with her over there..."

"I trust him." She pauses. "I have to. He watched me with Scott for two years. It's not as if they're dancing together like we were."

"Poor Charlie. To have to see you and Scott perform 'Seasons' over and over again." Marina doesn't sound all that sorry.

"I think _Carmen_ would have been worse," Tessa snorts.

"Ah, but with _Carmen_ you could tell yourself is just about sex. 'Seasons', however, that is great love story." Her coach nods sagely. "You should be going to see Scott to plan programmes for shows."

"We haven't spoken properly in months. I don't even know if we'll tour this summer."

"If you do not skate you will die!" Marina proclaims.

"Scott is doing just fine." He seems so _together_. He's been travelling around doing some coaching and some broadcast work. He's dating a curler. She thinks he's happy.

"Sometimes when you know a person so well is easy to think you know everything there is to know about them." Marina puts her hand over Tessa's. "You haven't even made any decisions about retiring from competition yet."

"Because we haven't talked!" She sounds like her fifteen year old self and both she and Marina start to laugh.

"Would you go back?" the Russian woman wonders.

"Yes." She doesn't even have to think about it. Sometimes she feels like it's the only thing she wants. "Scott wouldn't come back here though."

"I know. That would probably be for the best." Marina sees the look of hurt on her face and tries to explain what she means. "It would look better to judges if you made change seeing as how you lost to training partners last time. And it would be better for the two of you. Too much history, too many memories here. You need new beginning."

Tessa would love a new beginning.

 

She's curled up on the couch with Charlie having a serious debate about the quality of hot chocolate at Starbucks compared to Tim Hortons when Scott rings.

"I should take it. We need to talk about Stars on Ice." She kisses Charlie on the cheek and goes into the bedroom to take the call.

When Charlie comes in a few minutes later she's repacking her bag.

"Is this how it's going to be? He just rings you up after months of no contact and you go running to him?"

She looks up at him in shock and his expression softens when he sees that she's been crying. "It's Andrew, " she sobs. "He had some kind of injury in training and it's really bad. Scott was there giving them advice on their programmes before Worlds. They had such a good shot at winning and now..." She tries to compose herself. "Kaitlyn needs me."

Charlie puts his arms around her, she can feel the guilt coursing through him. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have... Of course you should go."

He drives her to the airport and it's the first time there's ever been an awkward silence between them.He carries her bag to the departure lounge.

"I got too comfortable about you two not speaking," he blurts out. "I shouldn't have been happy about that. You weren't happy about it. I know that he will always be a part of your life and I need to be ok with that."

"That's a very hard thing to be ok with." She can't expect Charlie to just be fine about her relationship with Scott.

"I'm going to work on it though," he vows. "I want to always be a part of your life too."

She can't formulate a response to that declaration so she just kisses him until she has to go.

Scott is waiting for her when she lands. She sees him immediately. It's like it doesn't matter how many people are in a room, she will always be drawn to him. He walks towards her and they meet somewhere in the middle, falling straight into each other's arms. She didn't realise quite how much she craved this, just how much she needed this contact. It's like her mind had forgotten in order to protect itself. They've always fed on it, relied on it, it's probably what led them down such a dark and twisted path. They stay there like that for what could be minutes or hours as the world passes along beside them.

"If you don't let go people might think you missed me," Scott jokes.

She sobs, "I did miss you. I missed you so much."

"I know, Tess. I missed you too." His voice is so soft as he wipes away her tears with his thumb.

"How's Andrew? And Kaitlyn?"

"It's very serious." He takes a deep breath. "They're worried about whether he'll ever compete again. Kaitlyn... she isn't taking it very well."

He puts a reassuring arm around her and takes her suitcase in his other hand as he leads her out of the airport. On the drive he tries to distract her by telling her cute stories about the kids he's been coaching at developmental camps, and having her explain her masters to him (from the questions he's asking she's fairly sure he knows more about positive psychology in sports than she does).

They arrive at the hospital and she wonders if he's remembering the same things she is. His was the first face she had seen when she woke up from her second surgery and, at the time, she had thought this was somehow prophetic or symbolic. He had been there the whole time, holding her hand, encouraging her, loving her. They had given her too many painkillers one night and she had become very anxious. She started freaking out about all the scars on her legs and how he wouldn't want her anymore while her mother was standing just outside the door. He ran his hand through her hair and, right into her ear, whispered all the ways he wanted her.

He holds her hand the whole way up the elevator until they reach the right floor.

Tessa has never seen Kaitlyn look so small. They take a seat on either side of her and Kaitlyn lays her head on Tessa's lap as Tessa strokes her hair. 

"I can't thank you enough for coming," the blonde says numbly.

"There's nowhere else I'd be."

Kaitlyn's body starts shaking as she cries. "I don't know what's going to happen, Tessa. What if he can't skate anymore? What's going to happen to us? What even are we to each other? Am I just his roommate? He has a girlfriend and I'm just his skating partner. What if he can't skate and we never see each other and we don't talk and we end up like..."

"Us," Tessa finishes her friend's sentence looking straight at Scott.

"No offence," Kaitlyn murmurs.

"None taken. It's not how you'd want to end up. It's not how you're going to end up." He's still looking at her and she thinks he's not just telling Kaitlyn this.

"What if this is all my fault?" Kaitlyn whispers.

"It's not," Scott assures her. "It could never be your fault. You're a team and everything you do, you do together. I thought Tessa's compartment syndrome was my fault; and I blamed myself for it, but it didn't do either of us any good. The only thing that made things better was us working through it together."

She had never known he blamed himself for her injuries.

"But that clearly wasn't your fault!" Kaitlyn protests."Andrew wasn't paying enough attention coming out of that lift, he was too worried about me."

"I was there, Kaitlyn, you didn't cause this."

"Did you ever blame yourself for something happening to Scott?" Kaitlyn turns her head to look up at her.

Tessa blames herself for a lot of things happening to Scott. "Yes, I threw out his back once."

"That wasn't to do with skating though," Scott helpfully adds with a wink.

She shoots him a glare to tell him that this clearly isn't what Kaitlyn needs to hear right now. To her surprise, Kaitlyn starts to laugh.

"Don't try all the tips you read in _Cosmo_ ," Scott instructs, clearly warming to this subject. "I ended up in the hospital. The people from _Sex Sent Me to the ER_ were there but we refused to talk to them. It could have made us into reality TV stars..."

"Was it worth it?" Kaitlyn asks mischievously.

"Oh my God! _Kaitlyn_!" Tessa covers her face with her hands and misses the nonverbal answer Scott gives.

"Ms. Weaver?" A doctor comes towards them. "Mr. Pojé would like to see you."

Kaitlyn stands up and starts trying to fix her appearance.

"He won't care what you look like, he just wants you with him," Tessa tells her gently.

Kaitlyn hugs them both and then heads off.

"So, we're the couple no one wants to end up like," Scott says slowly.

"What an honour," she laughs mirthlessly.

He puts his head in his hands. "How did we manage to get so messed up?"

"Well, it wasn't the skating."

"No," he laughs bitterly, "it wasn't the skating."

He sighs wistfully, "You know, I always thought things would just magically work themselves out. I used to think that no matter how badly we hurt each other we'd find our way back. I was going to buy land beside the lake and build you a house."

She leans her head back and tries to blink away the tears. "I'd have liked that."

"I treated you so terribly and..."

"You didn't treat me terribly. You made some mistakes, but so did I. We just... we didn't work out."

"I didn't deserve you, but I wanted you, and I kept coming back as if each time it would be different."

"Scott," she reaches out for his hand, "you deserved better than me. I just let it happen each time and then acted like it was all your fault, when it wasn't, it was mine."

"It wasn't your fault, Tessa!" He looks at her with such intensity that it takes the breath from her lungs."You keep blaming yourself, and that, that _kills_ me. It would be so much better if you'd just blame me. I was the one with the girlfriend."

She closes her eyes. "Maybe it's like what you said to Kaitlyn - it's no one's fault, we did it together."

He moves closer to her. "Do you think we can ever move past this?"

"We can try. It will always be there though. We can't just ignore it."

"I wouldn't want to." She opens her eyes to see him smiling, "Those were some of the happiest moments of my life."

"Mine too."

"Do you think we can be friends, Tess? I need you in my life, I don't do very well without you."

"I don't exactly cope without you either. I know we can. We've done it before."

They sit there in silence until he says excitedly, "Do you think Pasquale and Anjelika might give us some ice time? We could start working on programmes for Stars on Ice, if you want to?"

"There's nothing in the world that I would like more."

The fervour with which she says this seems to take him aback. "You must really miss it too."

"I miss everything! I miss us out on the ice, I miss training for hours, I miss competing. I miss it all." She gazes at him wistfully and she thinks that his expression mirrors hers.

Scott looks as if he's going to say something but thinks better of it, and then finally spits it out. "Kaitlyn and Andrew are going to be out for at least a season. Canada might need a team with experience."

She shakes her head. "You have a new life now. I wouldn't ask you to do it."

"I wake up every day and wish that we were still competing."

She can't help getting excited. "You'd really do it all again? The politics and the training and the travelling?"

He brings her close to him hugs her tight. "Yes, I'd do it all again." She thinks she hears him whisper into her hair, "I'd do it for you."

The next day, after spending the morning telling Kaitlyn and Andrew all about their experience of coming back from injury as a team, they go to the rink.

It's not as if they do anything impressive, they more or less stick to just stroking around hand in hand, but it feels special all the same. Tessa feels more like herself.

This feels like the new beginning she's been dreaming of. She just needs to tell Charlie.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me."  
> "Epic how?"  
> "Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC."  
> ...  
> "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"  
> "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."  
> ("Look Who's Stalking", 2x20, 'Veronica Mars')
> 
> Ultimatums, revelations, drunk Joannie. 
> 
> Thanks to aluminescence for reading this, and to icedancedreamer for editing it so wonderfully. 
> 
> (If you haven't been listening to the songs that are quoted I would gently recommend that you listen to the ones in this chapter. 'She Will Be Loved' is a very nice illustration of the relationships here and the Eva Cassidy 'Time After Time' cover is just gorgeous)

_It's not always rainbows and butterflies_

_It's compromise that moves us along, yeah_

_My heart is full and my door's always open_

_You come anytime you want, yeah_

('She Will Be Loved', Maroon 5)

 

Summer 2015

This is the second time that Tessa has moved in nearly as many weeks. Firstly to Charlie's apartment in Boston after she finished up at UM, and then to her new apartment in Montréal. The first one involved transporting DJ. The second, however, involves having to actually furnish the place - so she's not sure which is more challenging.

"This is all really complicated," Charlie puts down the instructions for setting up the IKEA bookcase, takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes.

"Just leave it. Your flight's in a few hours. There are other things we could do," she smiles at him coquettishly.

"But these pieces are really heavy! You won't be able to manage them by yourself!"

She shrugs. "Scott can help." She realises as soon as the words are out of her mouth that _that_ probably wasn't the best thing to say.

"Are you two going to be spending a lot of time together?" His eyebrows knit together as he looks at her with all of his concerns etched in the lines across his forehead.

"I don't know. It's not like I'm going to just avoid him when we leave the rink."

"Joannie's here. I'm sure she'd love the chance to spend more time with you."

Is he actually trying to tell her who she can and cannot see? "Joannie is busy with about a million different things. I don't want to just sit at home alone like I've been doing for the past few months. I don't even have DJ here."

Charlie winces. DJ had known something was up when they had left her in the kennels to fly out to Montréal; and had spent the entire journey there whimpering in Tessa's lap.

"I'm sure you'll make lots of friends. That French girl at the rink seemed really excited that you're coming to train with them." Charlie had visited her new training centre with her yesterday and had successfully charmed Marie-France and Patrice by telling them about how much he loved their choreography.

She can’t help but frown at his enthusiasm, "Gabriella Papadakis is practically a _child_. She doesn't want to hang out with someone whose idea of a wild night is watching an extra episode in her Netflix marathon."

Charlie opens his eyes up wide. "I would so want to hang out with someone like that."

She giggles and leans in to kiss his cheek. "Well, you've hit the jackpot then."

A serious look crosses his face. "It's not that I don't trust you, Tessa. But you're going to be so far away and you have all this history together..."

She shouldn't be so harsh on him. Charlie has been so supportive of her need to return to skating. "I love you, Charlie, that's all you need to know."

He holds her hands tightly in his as he stares intently at her, she can see his brain working in overdrive. "I need something more than that, Tessa. I need to know you're coming back."

"What can I do to show you?"

"Marry me."

"What?" She stands up.

"Will you marry me?"

"Charlie! You can't propose to someone just to ensure that they're not going to run off with their dance partner! It should be for other reasons!"

"It is for other reasons!" He grabs her hands. "I love you, Tessa, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I just need to know that you feel the same way."

He's looking at her with such neediness that she thinks he might break into tiny pieces in front of her if she were to say no. "I, I do, Charlie."

His face lights up like the brightest summer's day. "We're getting married!"

Her eyes fill with tears. Happy tears. "We're getting married!"

He picks her up and twirls her around until she's dizzy.

 

After leaving Charlie to the airport she makes her way to Scott's apartment, which is more difficult than it should be thanks to him getting a place in the Frenchest part of Montréal. He needs to know.

She's surprised to be greeted by his girlfriend at the door. "Hi Kaitlyn! I thought you had a curling competition this weekend."

"It wasn't too far away," she smiles. "Is everything ok, Tessa? It's kind of late."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just left Charlie at the airport." Kaitlyn squeezes her arm.

"I know how difficult that is. Come on in, Scott's just finished putting up some shelves in the sitting room."

Scott grins when she walks into the room. "Hey Tess. You all ready for practice in the morning?"

She nods before turning to Kaitlyn. "Would you mind if I talk to Scott alone for a minute?"

"Of course not. I was just about to make some tea, would you like some?"

"Thank you so much." Kaitlyn goes out to the kitchen and she and Scott sit down.

"Are you ok, Tessa? Are you having second thoughts about going back to training?"

"No, not at all." She takes a deep breath. "Charlie asked me to marry him. And I said yes." "

You said yes," Scott repeats. He puts on a smile that's a bit too earnest. "That's great, really great. You two... you two are good for each other."

She doesn't know quite what to make of this reaction. "I'm not going to be distracted. I'm completely committed to this comeback."

"You can afford to be a little distracted, Tess. You're getting married." He says the last part really slowly, as if he's trying to understand it.

"You're getting married!" They turn to see Kaitlyn coming in with a tray. "Oh my God, that's fantastic!"

She sits beside Tessa and grabs her arm. "You have to tell me everything! How did he ask you? Was it super romantic?"

"It was... spur of the moment I guess. I mean, he'd been thinking about it a lot but it just kind of happened. Oh, would the two of you mind not telling anyone yet? He and his parents are coming to visit my family next weekend so we thought we'd tell them all together."

"Your mom is going to die of happiness," Scott says drily.

"I don't know, she might be jealous."

"Charlie does seem like exactly the kind of guy every mother wants her daughter to marry," Kaitlyn muses.

"He's a _nice boy_. I should get going. It was nice seeing you again, Kaitlyn."

Scott walks her to the door. He puts his arms around her, "I'm really happy for you."

Her eyes start to water again.

 

She and Charlie tell their families the news over lunch. Or, to be more accurate, Charlie proposes to her again, this time with a ring.

After dessert he gets down on one knee. He opens the ring box and the diamond it contains dazzles her.

"Tessa, I know I've already asked you this, but this time I'm doing it properly. Will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?" He grins up at her nervously, his palms sweaty.

She laughs. "You already know the answer. Of course I will."

Their moms burst into tears simultaneously while Charlie's dad smiles at them. Her own dad looks kind of wistful she thinks.

As Charlie slips the ring on her finger Jacqui tells her that it was originally her mother's. "I told Charlie I'd only give it to him for a very special girl," she beams.

Tessa is worried that it won't fit but to her surprise it does, almost perfectly. It's just a bit heavy.

She's upstairs in her room getting changed for the celebratory dinner Charlie's dad is taking them out to when her mom comes in.

She smiles at her mom from the mirror she’s looking in, "Can you please zip up my dress at the top?"

"Sure, honey." Her mom fulfils her request and they stand in front of the mirror looking at their reflections. "You're so beautiful, Tessa."

"It's all down to you."

Kate blushes. "That's not really what I was talking about. I was thinking about how proud I am of you and the woman you've become."

"Snagging a lawyer earns me bonus points?" Tessa teases.

She gets a light tap on the arm for that."You and your father are always making fun of me! Of course I'm delighted about you and Charlie but there's more to it than that. I wasn't sure about your decision to go back to skating but I can see how happy it's made you. I think it's so impressive that you're returning, and that you're building a new relationship with Scott. It hasn't always been easy between the two of you."

Tessa bites her lip. "No, it hasn't."

"Does he know about the engagement?"

"Yes, he's the first person I told."

Her mom narrows her eyes. "I see." She puts her hand on Tessa's shoulder. "You're sure this is what you want, darling? Marrying Charlie I mean. All I want is for you to be happy."

"He makes me happy."

Kate throws her arms around her and squeals, "You're going to have the most adorable curly haired children!"

" _Mom_! One step at a time!" She supposes if she were to have kids with Charlie they probably would have curly hair. She hasn't really thought about it before.

Her mom starts coming up with wedding ideas and Tessa smiles at her excitement. She's glad that she could make her mom so happy.

 

She's waiting for Scott at the boards when he comes rushing towards her.

"Hi Tessa! How was your - woah, that is a _rock_." He's staring at her engagement ring. He takes her hand in his to examine it better. "How much do first year law associates make?!"

"It's a family heirloom," she laughs. "It's a bit flashy, isn't it?"

He looks at her intently. "Do you like it?"

She pauses. "It's not that I _don't_ like it, but I wouldn't have exactly picked it for myself."

"Charlie won't mind if you want to change it." He’s holding her hand differently, like it’s heavier now.

She adjusts the ring by wiggling her surrounding fingers, "It was his grandmother's. It means a lot to him."

"Tessa, you don't need to always think about what makes other people happy. You need to think about you." He fixes part of her bun that has come astray.

"Tessa! Scott! Time for skating!" Romain, one of their new coaches, calls them onto the ice. Scott squeezes her hand and off they go.

Some of their new training mates seem a bit taken aback by her and Scott's connection that is present even when doing basic steps. They're going through some pattern dances to try and get a feel of what they'd like to do for their free dance and she can feel the other ice dancers staring at them and wondering what the hell is going on.

"It's a tango, it's not meant to be PG," she bristles.

"Just ignore them. Don't think, just dance," Scott whispers into her ear.

Tessa has to keep thinking. She isn't sure what would happen if she didn't, if she just gave in to the feel of it all. His hands are everywhere, but that's ok, it's _right_ even, because they're on the ice and this is all just a performance. He can touch her wherever _she_ wants and she can caress his face and it's _fine_ , there is nothing to feel guilty about.

The music ends and they're staring into each other's eyes, breathing heavily.

"Oh my God, Scott! You're bleeding."

"What?" He shakes his head as if he's just been woken from a dream.

"You have a scratch down your cheek, I must have... It was the ring!"

He feels his face. "Ow! That thing is sharp."

She drags him, despite his protests, off of the ice, and goes to fetch a first aid kit.

She's cleaning the wound when he notices the ring is missing. "Did you take it off?"

"It was a hazard. I can't be giving you scars. The judges might mark us down."

"It wouldn't be the first time you scratched me." He goes tomato red. "Sorry, that was inappropriate, I shouldn't have..."

She just laughs. "They weren't on your face though." She finishes gently applying the cream. "All better!"

"Can we finally get back to skating now?" he pleads.

She rolls her eyes at him as they leave the dressing room and head back out. "God forbid that I try and make sure you're not permanently disfigured."

"You know, it's probably for the best you won't be wearing that ring on the ice. If that thing fell it would make a dent."

She shoves him playfully and he throws her over his shoulder.

It feels so _good_ to be back training together. It feels like this is exactly where she's meant to be.

 

_If you're lost you can look and you will find me_

_Time after time_

_If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting_

_Time after time_

('Time After Time', Eva Cassidy)

 

Spring 2016

Tessa is seriously regretting agreeing to have the engagement party straight after Worlds. She knows that it makes sense seeing as how all their skating friends are in Boston anyway, but she's so tired after the all the heavy training and competing. She delicately fingers the silver medal hanging beside her mirror.

"Keep your head up, Tessa!" Meryl complains. "I need it straight to put up your hair properly."

"Sorry, Mer," she says meekly.

"You'd think you'd never won a Worlds medal before," her friend snorts.

"It's different this time around. We're training in Canada, we have new coaches, things between Scott and me are different."

"You two were amazing," Meryl sighs happily. "I know I wasn't always 100% behind this, but I'm so glad that you came back."

"I'm glad we came back too."

Charlie knocks at the door. "Tessa, are you ready? People are starting to arrive and they're going to think I made this whole thing up!"

"Who's Tessa?" Meryl calls. "Charlie, are you being delusional again and imagining that _Tessa Virtue_ would give you the time of day?"

Tessa goes to open the door. "You didn't make it up."

He grins. "No, I'm pretty sure I did. No one as gorgeous as you would ever be caught dead with the likes of me."

"You don't look too bad yourself," she smiles as she straightens his tie.

"Oh really..." He puts his hands around her waist and pulls her close to him.

"Guys! I'm still here, and you have guests out there!" Meryl sticks out her tongue as she sidles past them.

"I guess we should go mingle," Charlie sighs.

"It would be rude to miss our own party," Tessa agrees.

He grins, "Our moms would kill us."

She shrugs. "They're probably in jail already for killing whoever from the catering company sent the wrong wine glasses."

Charlie laughs, "It's a good thing there are a lot of lawyers here."

He's right, the only people to have shown up so far are people from Charlie's firm. The fact that the skaters are late doesn't surprise Tessa. They're probably still recovering from the banquet following the gala.

Tessa ends up making awkward small talk with Tanith. She's lovely, it's just that there's something inherently uncomfortable about talking to you fiancé's ex at your engagement party. She's rescued when Rebecca, one of the other lawyers and the only real friend Tessa has made in Boston, sweeps her away. They share a love of fashion and Rebecca is happy to listen to the saga of Tessa and Joannie's quest through the boutiques of Montréal to find a dress for the engagement party. Joannie arrives about halfway through the tale and joins in with some dramatic re-enactments.

Rebecca leaves to stop a guy from the firm from making too much of a fool of himself while trying to impress Sara Hurtado with the Spanish he learned in Tijuana.

Tessa turns to see Joannie refilling her wine glass. "Have you had more to drink than I have? What is the world coming to?"

"It's good wine." Joannie sighs, "Sometimes you just need a drink to get through the night."

"Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Maybe later. There's someone over there you should go talk to." Joannie points to where Scott is engaged in deep conversation with DJ.

"You two seem to be getting along very well," Tessa notes when she reaches them.

"We're both very fond of a certain someone." DJ barks in agreement.

"Scott, what were you even doing? You have dog hair all over you!" She brushes the hairs off his shirt with a smile.

"I guess I'm having more luck with dogs than women lately," he jokes.

"I'm sure there are plenty of women here who would love nothing more than to spend some quality time with the wonderful Scott Moir. I still can't believe that Kaitlyn ended things a week before Worlds. She could have been more sensitive," Tessa huffs.

Scott shrugs. "It wasn't meant to be."

"Did she even give you a reason?"

"Oh there was a reason alright. I didn't want to bother you with it."

She runs her hand down his arm. "You can bother me about anything."

"Well, it was probably just one little thing after a lot of other things. We were talking about our first times and she just freaked out when she found out mine was with you."

Tessa feels like she's been hit by a lightning bolt. "Sorry, what?"

"Yeah, it was a total over-reaction. I don't even know how it came as a shock to be honest." Scott shakes his head as if this is all a mystery to him.

"No, not that. Your first time was with me?!"

"Yes." He speaks slowly as he stares at her in wonder, "We went swimming in the lake, you were wearing that white dress. And then after in the back of my truck..."

"I remember what happened! I just didn't know it was your first time too! But, but you had all those girlfriends..." Her throat and mouth feel sticky as he shrugs.

"Your first time should be with someone you love." He says this as if it's no big deal. "I didn't tell you because I was an idiot. I probably wanted you to think I knew exactly what I was doing."

She _had_ thought he knew exactly what he was doing.

His voice becomes softer. "Well, maybe that's not quite it. I wanted you to feel safe."

"I did, I did feel safe." She doesn't know why she feels light-headed. It's not like this revelation really changes anything.

Charlie suddenly puts his hand on her arm. "They're bringing out the cake. Your mom informs me that we have to make speeches."

"Speeches?" Tessa says shrilly. She did not prepare for speeches.

"You'll do great, Tess." Scott pats her on the arm and winks before heading off to join Patrick Chan and Jeffrey Buttle.

Tessa isn't much of a fan of public speaking, but as she looks around the room she tells herself that it's going to be ok. She knows and loves most of these people. Her mom is having some skater mom discussion with Jacqui, Alma, and Cheryl Davis. Her dad is chatting to the male members of the Moir family. Her siblings are playing some very serious looking card game with Meryl, Marina and Igor (who seem to be getting on weirdly well). Kaitlyn and Andrew are off in a corner looking absolutely adorable. Joannie seems to be having the time of her life with the Montréal crew. Scott is laughing with Jeff and Chiddy. And Charlie is at her side. It's going to be fine.

After they cut the cake and everyone claps Charlie clears his throat. "First, I'd like to thank you all for joining us to celebrate our engagement. I think a number of years ago very few people would have seen this coming."

"You're right there, Whitey!" Joannie shouts out. Marie-France gives her a quick elbow to the ribs.

"Thanks, Joannie." He chuckles with the rest of the room, albeit a bit awkwardly. "I remember the first time I ever saw Tessa. It was at some skating competition and I thought she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. My best friend Meryl quickly informed me that Tessa was way out of my league, something that she still kindly reminds me of regularly."

"Too right, Meryl!" This time Marie-France takes Joannie away down the hall.

"Somehow Tessa and I became friends, and then more than friends. I'm still not quite sure how that happened. Tessa makes the world a better place just by being in it and..." a muffled "hear, hear!" is heard from down the corridor, "I plan to spend the rest of my life making her as happy as I possibly can."

Everyone starts clapping and Tessa sees her mom wipe a tear from her eye. She readies herself to say a few words of her own.

"I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to follow that. Um, I don't exactly remember the first time I met Charlie but I do know the first time I realised he was someone special. It was during warm-ups before the free skate at some novice competition. Scott's lace had broken so he was off getting that seen to and I was practising our step sequence. Out of the blue Meryl twizzled straight into me and sped away with barely an apology."

Meryl cries, "Tessa! Why did you have to bring that up?!"

"Don't worry!" Tessa grins at her. "She gave me a chocolate bar after and it was the start of a beautiful friendship. Anyways, Charlie stopped twizzling and skated over to me. He gave me this big smile, held out his hand and helped me up. I guess, for me, that sums up what is so special about Charlie. He is always there with kindness, a smile, and a helping hand, no matter what." She turns to smile up at him, "I don't know where I'd be without him."

He leans his head down and kisses her chastely on the lips. This draws a lot of 'awws', most of which seem to emanate from their moms.

Kaitlyn hugs her with such force that it almost throws her to the ground. "That was such a cute speech, Tessa! Have you tried the cake? It's amazing!"

"You seem very happy," Tessa smirks.

"Oh you know, I'm here at my best friend's engagement party with my incredibly handsome, awesome boyfriend. Life couldn't get much better!"

Tessa laughs. "I'm surprised you're actually apart." She looks around to see Andrew looking rather serious and clapping Scott on the back.

"We should probably go check on Joannie, bring her some cake to line her stomach," Kaitlyn suggests.

They make their way down the hall to see Joannie sitting with her back to the bathroom door and Marie-France awkwardly patting her on the arm. The older woman looks relieved to have reinforcements.

"Joannie, would you like some cake?" Tessa asks gently.

She shakes her head stubbornly, "Je ne peux pas célébrer ce cauchemar."

Marie-France goes white, makes some excuse about Patrice needing her help, and runs off before Tessa has the chance to ask her to translate.

Joannie eyes the cake again, "Actuellement, maybe a little bit of cake wouldn't be so bad."

Tessa hands her the plate and sits down on the floor beside her.

"Tessa, your dress!" Kaitlyn warns.

"We spent so long picking it out," Joannie pouts.

"You're a great friend," Tessa tries to fix Joannie's hair.

This sends Joannie into a spasm of tears. "I want to be good friend... I only want what's best for you... You have always been there for me and..."

Well, that's at least what Tessa _thinks_ she's saying, it's hard to tell with the cake crumbs flying everywhere.

Kaitlyn is just staring at Joannie as if she can't quite believe that their usually sensible friend is a drunken mess .

"This is good cake," Joannie announces. "Very good in fact. But... it's missing a certain something. Some special ingredient."

Tessa looks up to find Scott. "I thought you might need a glass of water, Joannie".

He tries to hand it to her but she's too overcome with sobs to take it. "You are so considerate, Scott. Always thinking of others. And the way you take care of Tessa..."

Scott gets down on his hunkers and offers her the glass again. "Just take a little sip."

Joannie eyes it suspiciously, "Is that _American_ water?"

Kaitlyn interjects quickly, "No, sweetie, he brought it with him from Quebec."

"You are a good man, Scott Moir," Joannie proclaims. "In fact, you are the only..."

"Ok there! I think we should get you home!" Kaitlyn pulls Joannie up off the ground. "We'll call you tomorrow before you head off, Tessa!"

It takes Tessa a second to remember where she's going. Charlie is taking her to Europe for a short break.

"I had better get going too. I have an early flight," Scott explains.

"Oh sure, I- I'll see you soon." She puts her arms around him, and they stay like that for longer than she intends, until their breathing matches.

He kisses her hair and takes a step back. "You know, this will be the longest we've been apart since we started skating together again."

"I know. I'm only away in Europe for a week... I don't have anything too pressing to do when I get back. Maybe I should come back earlier so we can work on our SOI programmes."

He shakes his head wryly, "Enjoy your holiday, Tess. You deserve a break from me."

She disagrees.

 

The next evening she's sitting alone in the airport flicking through a magazine while Charlie is off making some work call.

She decides she should probably check in on Scott.

He answers on the second ring. "Tessa, is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine. I was just reading _Cosmopolitan_ and thinking of you." She adds hurriedly, "Because I only ever read it in the airport, and I'm usually in the airport with you! So really, it's just that I'm in the airport."

He's kind enough to act like this is any way convincing. It's a good thing he doesn't know that she just sent Kaitlyn a picture of a feature singing the praises of the backseat of trucks.

"Did you get back ok?"

"Your dad had to stop security from arresting my mom, but apart from that it was uneventful," he says cheerfully.

"Why were they going to arrest her?!"

"She left her handbag unattended. They thought she was a terrorist."

Tessa tightens her grip on her own bag. "Your mom isn't exactly the threatening type."

He lowers his voice, "She has expressed some anti-American views in the past."

Tessa laughs, "She and Joannie can form a club."

"They can discuss the health benefits of Canadian water."

"And the superior beauty of Canadian lakes," she laughs.

"It's not like they'd be wrong." The call for Tessa's flight reverberates across the airport and down the phone line. "Oh, I should probably let you go."

People are starting to make their way to the boarding gate so she supposes that it is time to end the call.

"I mightn't be able to talk to you that much when I'm away."

"Don't worry about me. Just have a good time."

"It's not that I won't be thinking about you. It's just, you know, signal and everything."

"I know, Tessa." His voice becomes very soft, "I miss you too."

They make their goodbyes. It shouldn't be this hard.

Charlie comes rushing towards her, "I'm so sorry!" He puts his hands on her shoulders and looks into her eyes, "That will be my last work call, I promise."

She rolls her eyes at him, "I forgive you."

He helps her up and puts his arm around her as they walk to the gate. "We're going to have an awesome time, Tessa."

She hopes so.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me."  
> "Epic how?"  
> "Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC."  
> ...  
> "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"  
> "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."  
> ("Look Who's Stalking", 2x20, 'Veronica Mars')
> 
> This is the second last chapter, in which I beat you all over the head with the ideas contained in that 'Veronica Mars' quote. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsoGjORfIUc - It gets me every time)
> 
> Thanks to aluminescence and icedancedreamer for being wonderful.

_And it seems I've lived my life_

_With you as my rhythm_

('The Last Dance', Clare Maguire)

 

Winter 2016

Tessa has to be told that the amount of time she spends with Scott, the man she is not marrying, is odd. She bumps into her neighbour, an English woman who works in an investment bank, one evening after practice as they're both entering their apartments.

"You're fiancé isn't with you today," the woman smiles pleasantly.

Tessa is confused, Charlie is hardly ever in Montréal. "No, he doesn't spend much time here. He's very busy with his work. I'm the one to visit him usually."

Now her neighbour (Ellen? Eleanor? She's so busy that Tessa rarely sees her) is the one looking perplexed. "Oh, but I was sure... Is that dark-haired man your brother?"

Tessa chokes. "No, he's my partner. I'm a figure skater."

The woman's eyes widen, "I see. It wasn't that you were particularly romantic or anything. I just assumed. You wear that ring and he's here so often..."

"It was an easy mistake to make, I suppose." Tessa tries to smile.

"Well, I had better be going. It was nice to chat to you." She opens the door and then turns back, "Sorry, what are your names? I'd love to watch you skate."

"Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir." Tessa doesn't want to know what she's going to think after seeing them dance together.

"Virtue and Moir," the woman says slowly. "It has quite the ring to it."

Tessa smiles and goes into her apartment. The doorbell rings about half an hour later and she's convinced that it's going to be her neighbour ready to tell Tessa exactly what she thinks about her tangled relationships.

Instead she finds Scott, holding a bag of groceries. "They had a great deal on vegetables and I figured you hadn't eaten yet, so I've come to make you dinner."

This happens a lot. Enough to make her neighbour think they're engaged. She knows she should probably say or do something but... They've been so great together since moving to Montréal, like the way they were at their very best, but minus the sex. Maybe this is the way things were meant to be. Maybe they were destined to be semi co-dependent platonic best friends and things had just gotten messy along the way. It's not like they're hurting anyone. _They_ would be hurt if they spent less time together, so it's in everyone's best interest that they continue as they are - for them, for Charlie, for the good of Canada.

 

"Are you going to Boston this weekend?" Scott asks her as he supervises her chopping some peppers.

"No, Charlie has some big case so I wouldn't even see him." He's so busy that he can't even talk to her on the phone for that long.

"They're having an Audrey Hepburn festival in that cinema you like, and," he puts on his best martyred expression, "seeing as Joannie's away, I thought that I could go with you."

She puts down the knife and claps her hands, trying to contain her excitement. "That sounds wonderful! You'd be ok with going?"

"I can't think of any better use of my time." He pauses, "Apart from trying to learn some French."

Living in Montréal hasn't really improved either of their relationships with Canada's other national language. It's part of the reason Scott spends so much time at her apartment, his is in a very French area and he doesn't feel quite at home there.

"Watching Audrey Hepburn movies would be much more worthwhile. Anyway, you could do with a refresher, I haven't forced you to watch them in years."

"I've watched them fairly regularly, thank you very much. You must have brainwashed me." He frowns, "It really messes up my Netflix recommendations."

She's laughing when her phone rings. "That's weird, why is Igor calling?"

She takes the call in her room and comes back to find her dinner waiting for her."That man has lost his mind."

"How so?" asks Scott through a mouthful of stir-fry.

"He offered to choreograph a show programme for me and _Charlie_."

"Oh. What did you say?" 

"Um, _no_. Why would I skate with Charlie?"

He laughs. "Well, you are marrying him."

She shakes her head dismissively. "That's completely different."

Scott is now laughing so hard that he has to rest his head on the table.

She's slightly offended. "What's so funny?"

"The expression on your face is priceless. It's not that crazy of an idea, two Olympic champions who are engaged dancing together."

"Do you want me to do it?" she questions him, scandalised.

"It's not my choice. I wouldn't enjoy seeing you skating with anyone else but..."

She cuts him off. "Good. It's not going to happen."

"You should eat, Tessa," he reminds her.

"I'm too annoyed! Why did he ring me now anyway? We have the Grand Prix Final in two weeks. Now is not the time to be thinking about shows." She slaps her hand on the table. "He wanted to distract me! He _knows_ how good our programmes are and he can't have us beating Madison and Evan!"

"You definitely need to eat. You are delusional." He takes her fork and puts some food on it.

She rolls her eyes before taking it from him."That tastes so good. Anyway, it didn't work. We are finally going to win the GPF! No more Americans or dodgy judges are going to stop us."

"Tessa! You are _marrying_ one of those Americans, and the other is your best friend." He laughs as she rolls her eyes.

She shrugs. "It's not their fault the judging was shady."

He shakes his head in disbelief. "What happened to _good girls only say nice things about their competitors_ and _good girls don't complain about judging_?"

"You can't be good all the time. Being good isn't about following some set of rules. You just have to try your best."

He reaches over the table and squeezes her hand.

When he leaves he offers to take away her recycling for her.

"That would be great. I just have a few more things to put in." She goes to her coffee table and clears off the pile of bridal magazines.

"You don't think you might need those?"

"My mom has three subscriptions for about ten of these. One for me, one for Jacqui, and one of her own. We'll be fine. It's not as if I'm even going to start planning until after the Olympics. If you and I make it that is." She doesn't want to tempt fate.

"There are nice dresses in them," he comments, casually flicking through a copy.

"I have no idea what sort of dress I want."

"You could take a look at the ones you wore for that shoot we did," he comments offhandedly.

" _Excuse me_?"

"Not that you should wear one, that would be weird. You'd just know how you look in them and what kind of styles you like."

She doesn't want to discuss this with him. She doesn't want to remember that photo shoot. She doesn't want to think about all those times she imagined her wedding day when she believed that someday he'd be the one waiting at the end of the aisle.

"I should get going. I'll see you tomorrow, Tess."

He hugs her before he goes. The apartment feels emptier without him.

 

After the GPF (which they win) Tessa manages to catch an earlier flight to Boston than she had planned. Part of her would have preferred to stay in Montréal and celebrate with Scott and their team, but she's feeling guilty about not having seen Charlie in ages.

She's surprised to find a bunch of drunken lawyers in his apartment.

"Tessa! We won the case!" Charlie picks her up and swings her around. She's worried that the beer he's holding will spill all over her new coat. "What are you doing here so early? I could have picked you up."

"You are in no state to pick anyone up," she laughs.

Rebecca appears at her side and embraces her. "Congratulations, Tessa! Charlie was telling me all about the Grand Prix Final!"

"You won and we won and we should celebrate together!" Charlie holds his beer in the air.

"You celebrate, I need to unpack and go to sleep." She tries to tidy his hair.

Rebecca offers to help her unpack. "They all want to play poker and I'm too drunk to win. I want to spend my cash bonus on shoes."

Tessa leads her to the bedroom. "This is why we're friends."

Rebecca stops at the door. "We are friends, aren't we?"

Tessa nods as she struggles to open the suitcase.

Rebecca sits down on the bed with a very serious expression on her face. "I'm probably being silly, but there's something I think you should know." She takes another drink from her glass, which smells like she's been heavy on the vodka and light on the mixer. "I found out recently that Charlie and Tanith dated back in college."

Tessa smiles at her, "I know about that."

"That's not it. I- I just think they spend a lot of time together. It's not that you should be worried, but... ," she looks up at her apologetically, "if it was my fiancé I'd like to know."

"Thanks for thinking about me, but I'm ok with it."

"You two have such a great relationship for you to be able to trust him like that."

"He trusts me too, maybe more. Did he tell you that Scott and I used to be together, well, kind of together?"

"Scott your skating partner?" She sounds surprised.

As if there's another Scott. "Yes, we had this on/off thing for years. It was very messy. I got with Charlie not too long after we ended it."

"Oh my God." Rebecca hides her face in her hands. "I didn't know. If I had, I wouldn't have thrown myself at him at your engagement party. I completely humiliated myself and he was so sweet."

"He is really sweet," she smiles proudly.

"And super hot."

Tessa laughs as she nods her head.

"Like Charlie is cute or whatever but Scott... The way I see it is that Charlie is the kind of guy your mom adores and Scott is the one she bans you from seeing after she catches you with his hands under your shirt at your grandfather's retirement party."

Tessa's jaw drops.

"I'm sorry! That was weird, I shouldn't be comparing your fiancé and your ex, especially when I work with one of them."

"It was just frighteningly accurate. Except it wasn't a retirement party, it was a holiday party at the rink."

"That's a bit classier. If my grandfather had found us he would probably have had a heart attack."

"You had a Scott too?"

"If we're talking messy on/off breaks-your-heart-and-you-always-go-back, then yes." Rebecca takes another sip of her drink.

"How did it end?"

"I went to Yale. We wanted to make it work - I know I did anyway, but we were in very different places. He was trying to make things happen with his band. There was a lot of drinking, and drugs, and girls."

Tessa sits down beside her. "I'm so sorry."

Rebecca rests her head on her shoulder, "I will never love anyone the way I loved him. I feel like there's no point in even trying because it could never be as good."

It's a different tactic to Tessa's. "Do you know where he is now?" 

"Everyone knows where he is now. You know that song about the girl with the green eyes and glass heart?"

" _T_ _hat's_ his band? Scott and I went to see them in Montréal last month!"

"I'm pretty sure that song's about me. I'm pretty sure most of those songs are about me."

"Wow. That must be..." Tessa doesn't know what it would be like to hear about all about how someone loved you so much that they left you every time you turned on the radio.

"It's like there are two versions: how you saw the relationship, and then you get a chance to see how they viewed it, but so does the whole world. There's a part of _me_ , there's a part of _us_ , that everyone can see."

Maybe Tessa does know what that feels like a little.

Rebecca suddenly stands up. "I should be helping you unpack!" She goes to the suitcase and fishes out the one remaining item. "This sweater is gorgeous! It's the exact same colour as your eyes." She folds it out. "Is it for men? It must be big on you."

"It wasn't always mine."

Rebecca looks at her and Tessa knows that she's aware of who it belonged to.

Last summer Kaitlyn and Andrew had come to visit the Stars on Ice tour even though they weren't back skating. Kaitlyn had decided that she, Tessa, and Joannie should go for a late night swim in the sea. They had been tipsy enough to decide that swimsuits were unnecessary. Kaitlyn disappeared with Andrew. Joannie took it upon herself to steal Tessa's clothes, leaving her alone on the beach in her matching blush pink underwear. That was one good lesson her mother had taught her. Scott had appeared and handed her his soft, green sweater, looking in her eyes and only her eyes the entire time. It was the one moment she thought she would break.

She hasn't worn it since. She just likes having it near when he's not.

She brings herself back to reality. "You should contact him, try and get some closure. Maybe you can be friends."

Rebecca looks at her sadly. "You can't just be friends with someone you love like that." She walks over and hugs Tessa tightly. "If you ever need anyone in Boston, or anyone at all, I'm here. I'll see you soon."

She stops at the door and tilts her head to the side. "If this ever becomes relevant, I want you to know that I'll be Team Tessa."

Charlie pokes his head around the wall. "Isn't everyone Team Tessa?"

Rebecca pats him on the shoulder. "Of course they are, Charlie." She waves goodbye.

Charlie comes over and wraps his arms around her. "I'm so happy you're here."

"I missed you." Her voice is muffled against his chest.

"It won't always be this hard," he says soothingly.

Tessa thinks that it won't ever be as easy as it used to either.

 

_So don't go_

_Don't leave_

_Please stay_

_With me_

_You are the only thing I need_

_To get by_

('Don't Go', Wretch 32 ft. Josh Kumra)

 

Summer 2017

"It's ok for you to be mad with Charlie. I would be too." Tessa puts down her newly framed picture of her and Scott on top of the podium at Worlds (it's the only one where you can't see how red her eyes were from crying during 'Oh, Canada') and turns to look at Meryl who is sitting cross-legged on the couch.

"I'm not mad with him. It's not like he can make a jury rule any faster."

Meryl frowns. "But it was a party to celebrate you winning Worlds. He should be here." She adds grimly, "He should have been at Worlds."

"I guess he has his job and I have mine. I don't go to see him in court." Tessa shrugs nonchalantly.

Meryl shoots her a look that shows this explanation isn't working for her. "He could have tried harder then; and he could have tried harder now. You were meant to have this romantic weekend before you left for the Stars on Ice tour and now you're just stuck with me!"

Tessa joins her friend on the couch. "There are very few people I'd rather be stuck with."

Meryl smiles and squeezes her hand. "What do you want to do? Something wild and exciting?"

Tessa laughs. "I'm just about to go on tour with Kaitlyn, I need to pace myself!"

"It's great that Kaitlyn and Andrew are finally back on the ice." Meryl's face becomes more calculating, "How much of a threat are they going to be next year?"

"They're our friends, they're not a threat!" She pauses, "To be honest, I don't really know. They have a different approach now, it's more about being together than the results."

Meryl snorts. "You're going to kick their ass at Canadians."

"I think that's a very positive way of looking at things! I don't think you have to be platonic to be a great team."

Meryl raises her eyebrows, almost imperceptibly. "That seems to be working for you and Scott though."

"Well, obviously... but for other teams, like Marie-France and Patrice or Klimova and Ponomarenko, the being together thing worked out fine."

Meryl nods quickly before changing the subject. "So, what do you want to watch?"

"I haven't watched _An Affair to Remember_ in a while."

"Tessa, define 'a while'. A month? I don't get why you love it so much. Is your mascara industrial strength?"

"It's not like it's all sad! The ending is perfect. And the part where she's singing with those cute kids?" She sighs, "I don't understand how anyone couldn't love it. You have Cary Grant, you have mistiming, you have heartbreak, you have an epic love..."

"You like that, don't you? The idea of an epic love story," Meryl says slowly.

"In fiction, yes," Tessa responds defensively. "It doesn't work out all that well in real life."

"I prefer romcoms myself. You have the cute first meeting, some comic obstacles to the romance, and then they live happily ever after. It's simple and it's sweet."

"I like that too but sometimes you just want something... _more_."

She turns to find Meryl looking at her very seriously. "I love you no matter what, ok?"

"What brought this on? Do you want to be my Cary Grant? Is this your romantic declaration of undying love?" She laughs hand over heart as she looks at Meryl.

Meryl rolls her eyes. "I can't believe it took you this long to figure it out. But seriously, you're my best friend, and you will be even if anything changes."

"What's going to change?" Why is Meryl being so cryptic?

"I don't know, you and Scott keep winning things and completely outdo Charlie and me? It's not important. You should just know that I will always be there to support you."

"Thanks, Meryl. I'll always be here for you too." She hugs her. "Now, can we watch the movie?"

Meryl groans, but they watch it anyway.

 

Tessa doesn't want the tour to end, but they always do. It's like a break from the real world, a glimpse into another life, but every time you have to come back to reality. Reality is currently taking the form of having to get up at four in the morning to catch her flight to Boston. Tessa is not a fan of reality.

As she's struggling to get up, Scott comes barging into her room. "Tessa, you wanted me to stay here so that you'd get up on time. I've been shouting at you for ten minutes. Do you want to miss your flight?"

She pulls the covers over herself again. "You can't just come running in here! I could have been naked or anything!"

"You never sleep naked, you get too cold." He shakes his head with a smile.

Sometimes she wonders if Scott knows more about her than she does. "Still... You could have knocked."

"I did! For five minutes!" His expression changes from exasperation to something very different when he takes his eyes away from hers and notices the picture on her bedside table.

It's not weird that she wakes up to a photo of them dancing to Mahler in Vancouver, is it? "It's to motivate me, for the Olympics." She puts it away when Charlie visits.

"I love that picture." He alternates his gaze between it and her for a minute.

"Are you going to let me get dressed? I have a plane to catch, remember?"

"I love morning Tessa. I'll start putting your bags in the car."

He hands her a cup of coffee and a pain au chocolat when she makes it out of the bedroom. He then locks up for her when turning the key proves a more difficult task than usual. And then he insists on driving her to the airport. "We can't have you falling asleep at the wheel."

She falls asleep in the passenger seat as she listens to him tell 'that time Tessa was so tired she...' stories. She's heard them all a thousand times before, but there's something so comforting about hearing him tell them.

When she wakes up he's unloading her luggage just in front of the terminal. It has started to drizzle.

"It's so strange to see an airport this quiet. It feels like we're the only people in the world," he observes when she joins him.

"Most flights were cancelled due to those strikes." She grimaces, "I had to get a flight with an _American_ company."

He laughs. "You've been spending way too much time with Joannie. Montréal has been bad for you."

She shakes her head decisively and stubbornly. "Montréal is the best thing to ever happen to me."

He looks surprised. "It is? It's certainly one of the best things to ever happen to us."

"Maybe there's not much of a difference there." Her voice is soft as her gaze gets lost in his.

He clears his throat. "You should probably get going."

She throws her arms around him with such a fierceness that it sets them both off balance. "I'm going to miss you."

He releases her. "You'll be back soon. We need to get started on winning back that Olympic gold."

"It doesn't matter if we win or not, not really. It's us being together that's important."

"Will we just retire now?" he jokes. "We won the GPF so we've done all we ever wanted."

They're going to retire. Next year, after the Olympics, they're going to retire. It's like she's always known this, it's just been _assumed_ , it's not as if they're getting any younger, she's meant to be marrying Charlie, she should probably get a real job. But, she's never comprehended what this will entail. Sure, they'll still tour, but what about all of the early practice sessions? What about all of those moments in her apartment? What's going to happen to them? It's getting very hard to breathe.

"Tessa? Are you ok?" He puts a hand on her shoulder. The rain is getting heavier.

"Scott, we didn't think this through. Us skating together again was just like putting a band-aid on things. We're going to retire next year for real; and what are we going to do without seeing each other all the time? How are we going to cope? I don't think, I don't think I can do it." She feels her heart pounding against her ribcage as her lungs struggle to get enough air.

He cups her face with his hand and gently rubs his thumb down her cheek. "You will be great. You are the strongest person I know."

She shakes her head. "No, no I'm not. I need you."

"I need you too, but it won't be the end. We'll still have shows and tonnes of speaking engagements and stuff. We don't need to skate competitively. There are other ways for us to be together."

All of a sudden she notices that he's looking at her the way he used to. The way he looked at her that first night in the lake. The way he looked at her whenever he told her he loved her. The way he looked at her that told her she meant more to him than anything else in the world, that she was someone of value, at least to him, and that she was infinitely precious. And with that realisation comes the knowledge that he's been looking at her like that for quite some time, that maybe he never really stopped.

His face is so close to hers that she can see the droplets of rain on his eyelashes.

She kisses him.

At first it's so soft and gentle, like they're afraid everything is going to crumble around them. But then he draws her closer to him, or maybe she just clings on for dear life. His hands are everywhere she wants them to be, and it's as if this is all new to him, like he's exploring her body for the first time. His touch is both ravenous and reverential, sinful and sacred. It's terrible, but she's not thinking about how she could be doing this, she's thinking about how she ever could have stopped. This is the way things were always meant to be. Something this perfect, this right, could never truly be wrong.

But Charlie.

They break away from each other. Scott runs his hand through his hair and she draws her soaking wet jacket around her.

"Tessa, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you."

She could have sworn she was the one to kiss him.

"I'll- I'll go now." He starts to make his way to the car but turns quickly. There's a clap of thunder.

"Actually no. I'm not sorry and I should have kissed you. We can't pretend that we're just friends because we're not. We never were and we never could be. I love you, Tessa, I've never stopped loving you. I should have made this all clear a long time ago, but for so long I thought that I wasn't good enough for you or we weren't good for each other, but I know that's not true now. We fucked up, we fucked up a lot, but you and me - there's nothing wrong about that. I said all these things..."

She cuts him off and it surprises both of them. "All we have in common is ice dance and sex."

He shakes his head. "I didn't even believe it at the time, not really. But now I know for sure that it's just not true. We work, Tessa. I've been happier the past two years than I've ever been in my life; and that's because I've spent it with you." He takes a deep breath, "But we could be happier, we could be happier if we were together. I miss us like we were, not the mess and the pain, but just you and me. I think we can do this, I think we can have it all."

He lowers his voice. "And it's really hard because Charlie is great, and he treats you well, he's probably better for you than I am. But maybe love isn't meant to be easy. Maybe we had to go through all of that to be ready for us. I'm ready for this, Tessa. I need you to know that you have a choice. I don't want you to marry him because you feel like you have to, or because it's what everyone wants. If he's what you want, I can accept that. I'll never talk about this again. But if he's not, if you want to be with me, then I'm here. I will always be here."

She grips on to the handle of her suitcase. "I need to catch my flight. I'll talk to you soon."

His expression is unreadable, even to her, and then he nods and leaves.

She watches him drive away until the rain makes it impossible to see him anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me."  
> "Epic how?"  
> "Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC."  
> ...  
> "Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"  
> "No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."  
> ("Look Who's Stalking", 2x20, 'Veronica Mars')
> 
> Tessa makes a choice. Life goes on. 
> 
> (I am so sorry this took me so long!)
> 
> The biggest of thanks yous to aluminescence for reading this, and to icedancedreamer, my partner in crime and Montréal headcanons, whose edits made this story 100% better.

_Nothing can compare_

_To when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me_

('Dice', Finley Quaye & William Orbit)

 

Tessa feels strangely calm throughout her journey from Montréal to Boston. She feels guilty, of course she does, but there's also this sense of peace. For so long her mind and heart have been in turmoil as she's tried to decide what to do. Deep down she has known what she wants for a long time, she just couldn't admit it to herself.

When she arrives at Charlie's apartment DJ rushes towards her. She scoops the dog up in her arms and settles down on the couch to wait for Charlie.

He looks flustered when he finally appears.

He runs his hand through his hair. "I nearly tripped over your luggage in the hall!" He sits down beside her and leans over to kiss her cheek. "I missed you."

She squeezes his hand. "I missed you too."

They sit there like that, hand in hand with DJ stretched out over both their of laps, for a little while.

She takes a deep breath. "There's something I need to tell you." He turns to look at her, and a part of her thinks he knows what's coming next. "I kissed Scott. At the airport, just before I came here."

He looks down at the ground. "I kissed Tanith. Two weeks ago. We were drunk."

"Two weeks ago?!" It's as if the knowledge that he kissed someone else just washes over her. What hurts is that he didn't tell her.

"You were on tour! I didn't want to ruin things for you. You're always so happy when you're away with them." He raises his gaze to meet hers. "It was over very quickly. I'm sure it was the same for you and..."

She could lie to him, but she doesn't want to. She shakes her head softly.

"Oh." His eyes look hollow. "So where do we go from here?"

"I don't think there's any right path for us to follow. We have to make our own way."

He sighs. "We could be happy, Tessa. We could have a great life together. We could move back to Michigan and get married. We could... we could do a lot of things." His voice breaks a little, but she can tell his heart isn’t fully in this. He must know as well as she does that there are things they can never give each other, parts of themselves that will always belong to other people.

"I know we could. But, _but is that enough_?" She squeezes his hand once softly because even though this is right, it’s not easy. She loves him, of course she does. It just isn’t enough. "We'd be happy, but what if there are other people that we could be happier with? Relationships that mightn't be as easy but might be more..." She can't think of anything to say that wouldn't hurt him. She doesn't want to hurt him anymore than she already has.

"Charlie, I don't want to keep you from anything. That wouldn't be fair." She lowers her voice, "I don't want to keep me from anything either. I don't want us to get married and end up regretting it and resenting each other. I love you too much to let that happen."

“I don’t know if I’d regret it..." He blinks quickly. "I guess you're right. You usually are," he tries to smile at her. "So, this is how it ends," he adds slowly.

"This isn't an ending. I'm not going to just disappear. We were together for five years, more or less. We're not just going to forget about each other. I want to be in your life. I will always want to be your friend." The tears which have been threatening finally start to fall.

He puts his arm around her and she rests her head on his shoulder. "We can do that, Tessa. We can be friends."

She knows he believes it. And she believes it too. Maybe they're finally in the right place.

Tessa spends the next few days packing up her things. There's not all that much to take with her and she thinks that's rather telling. She stays with Rebecca to make things easier on everyone. She doesn't end up seeing much of her though as Rebecca is very wrapped up with her musician boyfriend. Being around them doesn't bother Tessa surprisingly. It gives her hope. Messes can be unmade. Broken things can be fixed.

She goes home.

 

Tessa finds Scott sitting beside the lake. She tries to fix her _just spent the last few days moving and travelling_ hair in the car mirror before giving up. There are butterflies dancing in her stomach as she makes her way down to the shore. It feels like her life has become one emotional encounter following another lately and it all started with that morning at the airport. It's fitting that it all started with him.

He turns around and she thinks he must be able to sense her presence, the way she can with him. He looks shocked. "Tessa, you're here."

She smoothes down the soft, green sweater and sits beside him.

"And you're not wearing the ring." He smiles hesitantly.

"You're very observant today," she teases lightly.

"But if you're not... Why didn't you call? It's been four days! I was terrified you'd run off and got married already, or you were never going to talk to me in case I did something like that again."

She throws him a look to tell him how ridiculous his fears were. "Charlie needed to know first."

He nods. "How did he take it?"

"It went a lot better than I expected. It turned out he kissed Tanith not too long ago so that..."

"He did what?" Scott asks in possibly the most dangerous tone she's ever heard him use.

"Scott! It's not like I have anything to complain about there. He had one drunken kiss and I made out with you for fifteen minutes while fully sober." She blushes thinking of their airport kiss.

"It was really early though. I probably took advantage of your tired state."

"I kissed you. You have never made me do anything I didn't want to." He has occasionally stopped her from doing things she wanted to do - like drinking too much on tour. That was probably in both of their best interests though.

"I just can't understand how someone who was engaged to you, making him the luckiest person on the planet, could even look at someone else. I mean, I know I... I was an idiot. But I thought Charlie was smart. He's meant to be _good_. I thought I could trust him not to hurt you."

"I'm fine. I feel better than I have in ages. He just made a mistake, it doesn't make him a bad person." She shrugs as she turns to look at him. "We made a lot of mistakes too, but that's ok because we're here now."

"We're here now," he repeats, a soft smile beginning to grow across his face. "How did you know I'd be here?"

"You weren't at home so I went to your parents' and your mom said you might be here." She can't help but grin at him thinking of his mother. "I'm surprised she didn't call you actually. As I was leaving I could hear her shouting to your dad about how I wasn't wearing the ring anymore but I was wearing your old sweater."

"So my mom knew before I did." He frowns slightly, "You could have sent me a text to let me know what was happening."

" _We kissed and now I'm leaving my fiancé_ isn't something you say in a text." She puts her hands out to her sides and leans back, taking in the view of the lake in front of them. "It needs an appropriate setting. You're not the only one who can make dramatic declarations about their feelings."

He raises his eyebrows, "I'm not?"

She shakes her head and bites her lip. There's still something scary about saying it out loud, even if she's already made all of the hard decisions.

"I love you. I love you more than anything. And that used to scare me. I didn't want to hurt Charlie but I think a part of me knew that I could never go through with it. I was so afraid and then you, you were so _brave_ that morning at the airport when you told me how you felt. After that I knew I could do it. You make me brave. You have always made me believe I can do anything I could ever want, even when we were fighting or barely speaking to each other. I don't want to be with anyone else. I love you." She likes the sound of it. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

He pulls her into his arms and murmurs into her hair, "I love you too." As he repeats it the smell of him invades her lungs and she starts imagining things she can't think about just yet.

She moves back a little. "I love you." He has this _ridiculous_ smile on his face when she tells him this and it makes her a little dizzy. "But what you said about being ready for us? I'm not quite there yet. Charlie and I were together for a long time; I need time to get over that. I don't want to rush into anything. I'm not taking any chances with us."

"I want to do things right this time. You can take as long as you want." She can probably count on one hand the amount of times he's looked at her this solemnly.

"You don't have to, you know, wait or anything." She suddenly feels like maybe she's asking too much.

"I'm good with waiting," he announces. He lies down on the grass with a self-satisfied smile. "I can wait a very long time."

"Oh really?" She lies down on her side so that she can see him better, or maybe it's just to be closer to him. She figures she doesn't really need to worry why anymore.

"Well, we're going to be pretty busy what with trying to win the Olympics. And I have all of these memories to keep me going." He rolls over so that he's facing her. "And planning for when we're together."

He reaches over and delicately puts a strand of hair behind her ear. She exhales when he takes his hand away. "What kind of plans?"

"Now that would be telling, Tessa. I can keep secrets too you know." He winks with a satisfied smirk.

Some strange grumbling noise escapes her throat and he laughs. They just lie there like that for a little while, gazing into each other's eyes as the water laps against the shore.

"It's nice out here," she says finally.

"Some good memories," he grins back at her.

"We have a lot more to make."

He takes her hand, brings it to his lips, and gently kisses it. "We're going to be great together this time, Tess."

"I know we are. We're different now. It's like you said - we work."

The way he smiles makes it really difficult to not think about kissing him. But now isn't the time for that. Now is the time to just lie here and dream about the future. Their future. For now, their eyes locked on one another and his hand in hers is enough. For now it's perfect.

 

' _Cause I feel that when I'm with you_

_It's all right I know it's right_

('Songbird', Eva Cassidy)

 

Spring 2018

Pyeongchang is _perfect_. Better than Vancouver, better than Sochi. Winning just means so much more now after all they've been through together. It's not just the results though - it's her and Scott and whatever their relationship is. They're not dating but... they're not _not_ dating. He just holds her hand _a lot._ And she has to work really hard not to kiss him. Like at the end of their free dance, or when their scores are announced and he scoops her up into his arms, or when they're presented with their gold medals and she looks up to see him smiling at her. That's only one day. There's also all the times when it's just the two of them. Or the times when they're not alone, like the entirety of their exhibition performance as the words "I love you, I love you, I love you,/Like never before" echo all around the arena. She thinks that sums it up pretty well. Everything is right between them now, she just wants to wait for the perfect moment to take the next step.

Most people seem to think they have taken the next step. They've never been asked about their relationship status more - something she thought was impossible. It's been like that all season, ever since she and Charlie had announced the end of their engagement. There were a lot of rumours about how she had broken it off with him/he had dumped her cheating ass after she and Scott had hooked up on the SOI tour. The evidence for this seems to be her and Scott's programmes from the tour which were... no different from anything else they'd ever done. The stories had died down after Meryl had 'accidentally' revealed that Charlie was dating again.

They answer the questions like they usually do - their relationship is special, it's unique, they can't quite describe it. In truth, Tessa could describe it very simply - they're in love, they're just waiting for the right time. She almost says it once, after the free dance when she's so happy she feels like she could float. A Russian journalist asks in halting English whether she and Scott might be involved romantically sometime in the future and Tessa answers airily, "Maybe someday." Scott spills the water he's drinking all over himself. Kaitlyn tells her that she's broken the internet again.

 

The difficult thing about waiting for the perfect moment is how do you know when it arrives? Is there even such a concept as the perfect moment? They've won the Olympics, they're home now, it's been a respectable amount of time since her relationship with Charlie ended. More to the point, she's tired of waiting. He just looks so _good_. Offensively attractive if she's being honest.

"Tessa?" She drags her gaze away from Scott to look at Kaitlyn and Joannie who are smirking at her.

"Sorry, I missed what you said there. Were you bonding about being Olympic bronze medallists?"

Joannie snorts. "Something more interesting to look at the opposite end of the room, is there Tessa?"

She shrugs as innocently as she can manage.

"You should probably try and control yourself. Your mom won't be happy if you lower the classy tone of the party she's throwing for you by jumping him." Kaitlyn pats her shoulder in what she probably thinks is a comforting fashion.

"I'm not going to lower the tone! I'm behaving in a perfectly dignified manner! I am not going to just _throw_ myself at him!"

"Your eyes say differently. It's distracting, Tessa. I feel uncomfortable standing in the way." Joannie sighs.

"I can control myself. I can concentrate," Tessa says determinedly. "Now, we're trying to find a suitable suitor for you."

"Evan Bates has been looking pretty cute recently," Kaitlyn observes.

" _Evan Bates_?!" Tessa and Joannie ask as one.

"But he's so... _American_ ," Joannie whispers in horror.

"I was originally American," Kaitlyn reminds her with a pained expression.

Joannie waves this piece of information away, "You have seen the light."

"You really need to get over this anti-American bias," Kaitlyn scolds. "The whole Tessa-Charlie thing is over, you can move on."

Tessa is of the opinion that that period of her life deserves more than being relegated to a mere 'thing'.

Joannie shudders. "Thank God. I was terrified that I was going to have to tell you I couldn't be a bridesmaid at your wedding."

Tessa doesn't think this is the ideal time to discuss her relationship with Charlie. They need to get back on track. "I'd be more worried about the fact that _Evan_ left his former dance partner. Could you trust someone like that?" She isn't so sure.

Kaitlyn rolls her eyes. "We don't all stay with the people we danced with when we were seven. We're not all lucky enough to find our soul mates that young."

Tessa smiles involuntarily. A familiar hand rests on her waist and a spark of electricity causes her to jump, spilling her wine in the process.

"I'm so sorry! Let me clean that up." Scott produces some napkins and starts to mop up the white wine which has fallen all over the rather low-cut neckline of her dress. She is very ok with this.

Between giggles Joannie manages to get out, "I think it should be dry by now."

"It's not," Tessa responds quickly. Scott looks up at her and quirks an eyebrow. She smiles.

She hears the clink of a glass and her mom clearing her throat. "Where are Tessa and Scott? I want to say a few things."

Kaitlyn and Joannie elegantly sidestep from where they're standing directly in front of her and Scott. They look much too amused by this development. Scott removes his hands from her chest.

"I spilled some wine," she hears herself say.

Her mom looks a little pale but then just nods as if she wasn't really expecting anything else. She clears her throat. "Jim and I invited you all here to celebrate Tessa and Scott's gold medal. Oh, and the Team Canada one! And congratulations to Kaitlyn and Andrew too." She takes a deep breath, her mom is less fond of public speaking than Tessa is. "But the medals aren't what's important, not really. What's important, what's so special, is the relationship between the two of them."

Scott puts his hand back on her waist.

"Now, when Tessa first told me she was going back skating I wasn't all that impressed, was I, Jim?"

Her dad chuckles. "No, definitely not. All I heard about was what a stupid idea it was and shouldn't Tessa be focusing on moving on with her life and that they were going to end up..." He starts to cough.

Her mom goes pink. "Indeed. Well, I was wrong. I know now that going back to skating was the best thing that could have happened. I've never seen Tessa as happy as she's been in the past few years, especially the past few months. And that's all you want for your daughter. Scott, I want to thank you for everything; for taking care of our baby, for making her happy, for being a member of our family. Tessa, we're just so, so proud of you - of everything you are, and everything you've done."

Kate wipes a tear from her eye and Tessa goes to hug her because she knows her mom won't be able to say anything else after this.

As she passes her, Joannie turns to Scott and hisses, "You have the Kate Virtue seal of approval, _get in there_."

After Tessa talks to her parents and a bunch of their friends ask her pointed questions about whether she's seeing anyone, the party starts to thin out until it's just her, Scott, and Joannie rearranging the furniture in the sitting room.

Joannie yawns loudly and somewhat convincingly. "I'm going on up to bed. You two stay here and..." She shrugs as if she can't be bothered with scheming anymore before winking at Tessa as she walks out.

"It's getting late, I should probably... " Scott gestures towards the door.

"I'll walk you out."

They stand together on the porch and listen to the pitter patter of a soft rainfall.

She's nervous all of a sudden. He puts his arms around her and she nestles into him.

"I had a great night." He kisses her on the top of her head. "When do you want to meet up next?"

"Tomorrow. We can meet for coffee and to discuss exhibition numbers."

"You're not sick of me yet then?" he laughs.

"It's been 21 years. I think you're good there."

He steps back and she sees the huge smile on his face. "I'll see you tomorrow, Tess."

He's halfway down the garden path when she decides that the perfect moment has arrived.

"Tessa, what are you doing? It's raining," he tells her when she grabs his arm.

"Exactly." She runs her fingers through his hair and lowers his face to meet hers. She kisses him, and for a second she's terrified because he doesn't seem to be responding, but then he lifts her up and almost crushes her to him. She tightens her grip on his hair and snakes one of her legs around his for, you know, balance. He slowly drifts one of his hands down her dress, smoothing down where it has ridden up, and leaves it resting on her thigh.

Eventually she feels the need to breathe. "So..." She rests her forehead on his.

"That was a little unexpected," his breathing is a little shaky.

She holds onto his arms, but pulls back in bemused surprise, "Really?!"

"Just the timing I guess. I didn't know when you'd be ready. This is you being ready, right?"

She can’t help but laugh at how his brow is furrowed together nervously. "I'm very ready," she assures him, kissing him once more, softly and tenderly this time.

"You should go back inside. I can't have you catching a cold." He puts her down on the ground gently and laughs at her displeased expression. "I'll see you tomorrow, which is really today."

"It's a date."

"Our first date." He's right.

"We didn't exactly do things the way other people do."

"We'll get there in the end." He delicately lifts up her head and kisses her again. "I love you, Tessa."

"I love you too."

He turns her around and pushes her in the direction of her house. "Now, get inside."

As she walks away she can feel him staring at her. "Did I tell you how great you look in that dress?"

"You might have mentioned it." She throws her head over her shoulder and adds, a little wickedly, "I look better out of it."

Scott swallows. "I- I- We're taking things slow this time."

"Oh, I know we are. I just thought I should remind you."

"My memory is _very_ good. About you anyway."

"Goodnight, Scott." She blows him a kiss when she gets to the door.

When she goes inside her mom is waiting in the hall, tapping her foot."Now, what were you thinking?"

Tessa braces herself for a lecture about decorum and the neighbours.

"What if you catch a cold? Or Scott does? He had a nasty one around Christmas, you don't want him getting sick again."

"I could always take care of him."

"You do that anyway." Kate squeezes her arm before turning to go into the kitchen. "Should I leave the backdoor open?"

"Do you want us to get robbed?"

"I don't want anyone breaking their neck climbing trees beside your room."

Tessa gasps, what has gotten into her mother? "We are taking things slowly!"

"I see." If she didn't know better she'd think her mom looked a little disappointed. "That's probably sensible. Goodnight, sweetheart."

Tessa shakes her head and makes her way up the stairs to her room. When she goes inside she's assaulted by a flying Joannie.

"Oh my God!! Finally! I've only been waiting my entire life for this!" She hangs onto Tessa’s shoulders with a vice grip pulling Tessa to her in an over-dramatic hug.

"Your entire life?"

"Well, since I've known you. Or since you stopped sleeping together."

Tessa sniffs and Joannie rolls her eyes, “It's been a while, ok?"

Tessa spins around the room before flopping down onto her bed. "I guess it has."

Joannie sits beside her and begins to bounce up and down excitedly. "What was it like?!"

"Perfect. Absolutely perfect."

Joannie squeals and then puts her hand over her mouth. "Do you want me to go? Is he going to come through the window or sneak up the stairs?"

"Oh my God! Why does everyone think we're just going to start sleeping together immediately?! We're taking things slowly."

"Well... You have a lot of history together." She glances out of the window she’s sitting beside not totally convinced.

"And I don't want to repeat that, not the way we were. This is different. We don't need to rush anything because..." It almost feels like tempting fate to say it out loud, but there are few things she's ever been more certain of. "We have all the time we need. He's the person I want to be with for the rest of my life."

Joannie lets out a little sob and attempts to squeeze the life out of Tessa. "Can you please get married in Montréal?"

" _Joannie_!"

"There's this really pretty cathedral! And it would be perfect because it's the place the two of you realised that you could really make it work!" She pauses thoughtfully, "Am I getting a little ahead of myself?"

"Maybe just a tad."

"I'm just really happy!" She squeezes her again.

"Me too," Tessa mumbles into her friend's shoulder. "I'm really happy too."

 

Summer 2018

Tessa doesn't know how to label her relationship with Scott. Dating is such an insignificant word - it's what you do when you meet a guy in a bar and try to decide if he's worth spending time with. It is emphatically not getting together with your skating partner of 21 years about whom you know just about everything there is to know. At the same time, she's still experiencing all those giddy moments you get at the beginning of a relationship. The butterflies when she catches him looking at her, the stupid smiles when he sends her these ridiculous messages, this great need to be with him as much as possible. Well, maybe that need isn't exactly new. It's gotten worse though - she doesn't sleep well without him beside her, her house in London feels so lonely without him.

Her neighbours know all about him. He charmed the elderly lady next door by rescuing her cat from a tree and she's loved him ever since. She's always disappointed when Tessa comes home alone and asks her where her boyfriend is today. He isn't her boyfriend though. That's not enough. She doesn't know of any word which could describe what Scott means to her.

She should probably try and come up with one, or at least some descriptor for what they're doing other than Joannie's preference of 'epic love affair'. They're leaving for a tour in China in two days and there's no way they're not going to be asked about what's happening between them. It's not that they're hiding anything, she thinks the whole of Canada is aware that they're together now, they just haven't made a formal announcement. Her instagram profile picture of them with their arms wrapped around each other came pretty close though. She had set it by accident but kept it because she liked it so much. He'd started kissing her neck when she was going through pictures and she'd figured she had better things to be doing. He can be very distracting.

She had told Scott not to come by so that she can concentrate on packing but she's not getting very far with it anyway. Everything she puts in her suitcase or takes out to consider is connected to him in some way. All the t-shirts of his that have magically migrated to her drawers. The shirt she wore to their first proper date which she had promptly spilled coffee on. The black dress she had worn to the birthday party of one of his friends. It had been there first outing as an official couple and Tessa had freaked out about what to wear. She had tried on almost everything she owned and texted her friends pictures of each choice until Kaitlyn had rung. She'd just screamed "He's seen everything in your closet already!" and hung up. Tessa was a good enough friend not to immediately ring back and remind her about how Kaitlyn was always asking her for advice about what to wear to impress Andrew when she _lived_ with him.

By the time she makes it to her lingerie drawer she's more or less given up on actually doing any work. There are just too many memories slowing her down as she tries to figure out exactly what she needs to bring. She comes across the delicate ivory set she'd worn the first night they'd been together and carefully places it in her suitcase. She'd met her mom for lunch directly after buying it and of course the bag had slipped out from where she'd carefully concealed it. Kate smirked and asked her should she set a place for Scott at family brunch the next day or whether Tessa would even be in attendance. They did go, arriving a little late, and her parents cracked off-colour jokes the entire time.

They had been attending very seriously to the 'taking things slowly' plan up until that point. Too seriously. So Tessa had gone out and bought that expensive underwear and shown up at his house wearing a white dress not too dissimilar from the one she'd worn that night at the lake all those years before. She was definitely more nervous this time around. She had all these fears about if things were going to be different, or the same. She was scared that she was exaggerating what it had been like before in her head, or whether it was only that good because it had been secretive and a little wrong. He knew something was up when she shivered after he lifted her dress above her head and he held her close to him. He asked her if this was ok, if it was what she wanted, if she was sure. The way he looked at her had make all her worries fade away. She never felt safer than when she was with him. So she kissed him.

It was both different and the same as before. Different in that this wasn't just giving into temptation or a dirty little secret. This was an authentic _beginning_ as opposed to some snatched moment or desperate grasp for something just out of reach. The same in that with Scott everything was more. More intimate, more intense. He saw all of her. She wasn't a pretty princess or a girl on a pedestal. She saw all of him. He wasn't a country bumpkin or a boy to lay all your dreams on. She was just Tessa and he was just Scott and this was just one more dance they knew by heart. One that was completely theirs alone. She scratched his back, he nipped her shoulder. She grabbed his hair, he gripped her hip. It was the same and different all at once. He whispered into her ear that he always lied when he said that his favourite sound was her big laugh.

Afterwards, when they lay in bed as the moonlight drifted through his window, he told her, with a very serious expression on his face, that he loved her laugh just as much as any other sound she might happen to make at certain moments. She laughed and let him know that he was the only one who elicited both those of sounds and that he should probably get used to hearing them.

The doorbell rings and Tessa is jolted from her reverie. She wipes her palms on her jeans and goes to answer the door.

Scott is pacing back and forth. "I've done something."

"Something bad?!"

"I think I had a moment of madness."

"Did you tell your mom you didn't like her new haircut?" That would explain his jitteriness.

"No. I think I should probably show you." He takes her hand and she follows him to his car.

He drums his fingers on the steering wheel as he drives and she thinks his nerves are contagious. "Are you going to give me any hints? Do you want me to help you dispose of a body?"

"Joannie just kept asking about when I was going to propose so that she could book that church in Montréal and I just snapped..."

She breathes a sigh of relief. If he's still able to joke it can't be that bad. She takes in their surroundings."Are we going to the lake?"

He goes white and nods.

"You didn't give in to Kaitlyn about putting up a monument to commemorate what happened there, did you?!"

"Not quite."

What is that supposed to mean? They pull up beside the lane that leads down to the water and she notices a sign. "Oh look, the land's for sale!"

"It isn't anymore." He lays his head on the steering wheel.

"Scott, did you buy the land?"

He nods his head, setting off the car's horn in the process.

"Wow." The car suddenly feels very small. She needs to clear her head.

She makes her way down to the clear blue water. This is all really happening. She stands there and just breathes for a few moments before she hears Scott running down the path.

"I'm so sorry, Tess. I know this is kind of creepy. Most people don't buy land to build a house on after being together for five months. That's fucking weird even by our standards. It all just happened really fast. I heard it was for sale and I knew it would go fast so I just bought it. At first I wasn't going to tell you until we actually started talking about moving in together, but how was I going to tell you that I just happened to have all this secret land right where you wanted to live? Wait, you do want to live here, right?"

Tessa finds that the best way to shut Scott up is to kiss him. So she does. "This is what I've always dreamed of. You're building me a house!" Her face hurts from smiling.

"That's the plan," he sounds almost disbelieving.

"Will you be shirtless? Can I watch?" She runs her hand up and down the muscles in his arm.

"I don't know how much of the actual building I'll be doing but I wouldn't want to disappoint you." He shakes his head and laughs, "How are you so calm about this?"

"Well, we're not moving in together straight away. You have to do all the planning and then the actual building so it's not as if we're moving too fast. This was always where we were headed. When we decided to make us happen it wasn't just some _let's see how it goes_ thing, it was all or nothing. We don't do well with just parts of each other's lives. We tried the just sex thing and that nearly destroyed us. We tried the just friends thing and it was better but it wasn't enough. This is the way things should be between us."

He rests his forehead on hers. "I love you, Tessa."

"I love you too." She grabs his hand and pulls him up a small hill. "Now, this is where I want our house to be. There's going to be a porch and big double doors..."

She goes to mime opening the door but he scoops her into his arms and carries her through the imaginary threshold. He puts her down and she leads him through her plan for the ground floor. After describing the other rooms in minute detail she becomes stumped when arriving into the kitchen.

"Well, it's open plan with the sitting room so it will have the same view of the lake. Um, there'll be an island, and an oven. Oh, and lots of storage space for my grandmother's plate sets."

"You haven't exactly put as much thought into this, have you?"

"When it comes to the kitchen I'm really just your glamorous assistant. I'll let you take the reins."

"The kitchen is the most important room in the house, I wouldn't want to mess things up."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong. The bedroom is the most important room in the house." She twirls away.

"We need to go upstairs now." She mimes walking up a flight of stairs. Scott laughs but she throws him a look and he soon joins in.

"So what are going to have up here?" he asks.

"Mainly bedrooms. We'll need quite a few for... guests." She goes pink.

"And hopefully mini humans." He puts an arm around her waist and she rests her head on his shoulder.

"I think four would be a nice number."

"Two boys, two girls?" She kisses his cheek.

"I should show you the master bedroom." She leads him to the room she has the most vivid picture of in her head.

"There'll be a walk-in wardrobe, and a big dressing table which will all match the bed obviously. We'll have an en suite, one with a normal sounding shower. My favourite part is the big glass doors leading out onto the balcony. Don't worry, we'll have curtains. I don't want people looking in on us. We're going to have the most glorious view of the lake."

They're standing where she envisions the balcony to be (albeit a floor lower so the view isn't quite as spectacular as it will be). He puts his arms around her from behind.

"It's perfect, Tessa," he murmurs into her ear.

She thinks it could be. Standing here with him is pretty perfect anyway.

 

_And the end is unknown_

_But I think I'm ready_

_As long as you're with me_

('Angels', the xx)

 

Summer 2020

Tessa wakes up to the sound of birds, the sight of Scott's eyes, and the feel of his fingers gently tapping out a rhythm on her stomach.

"You do know it's kind of creepy to watch people while they sleep?" she yawns.

"What else am I supposed to do while I wait for you to wake up?"

She rolls her eyes at him. "I don't know. Make breakfast? Finish working on the spare room? Look at the perfectly lovely view of the lake?"

He shakes his head. "No, you're much prettier to look at."

"Well, what were you planning to do once I woke up?" She runs her fingers up and down his abs to let him know what her preferred morning plans involve.

"I suppose I could think of a few things." He drops his grinning face to her neck while starting to move her (well, his) t-shirt slowly up her abdomen.

Her phone rings and he pulls the t-shirt back down and goes to reach over her and pick it up.

She grabs his arm and hisses, "Let it ring!"

"It could be important, Tessa." He hands her the phone quickly on reading the caller ID. "It's Charlie."

She tosses it back to him. "You answer it!"

"Why?! You don't need to rub his face in it!"

She scrambles out of bed and starts to put on the leggings that are conveniently lying on the floor. "Scott, we live together. I don't think he's going to be shocked by you answering my phone. I'd prefer to be fully dressed when talking to him."

He makes a face at her. "Hey Charlie. How are you?" He takes in his answer. "The house is going great. Yeah, the view here is pretty spectacular." He winks at Tessa as she quickly changes her shirt.

She flings a throw pillow at his head. "Tessa's going to talk to you now. Talk to you soon."

"Hi Charlie! How did that case go?"

She makes her way out onto the balcony while Charlie tells her about the conclusion of the trial he was working on.

"So now we're going on holiday!" he finishes up.

"You deserve a break. Where are you going?"

"Hawaii. Um, that's actually what I was ringing you about." She hears him take in the deep intake of breath that signals that he's nervous. "I'm going to ask Tanith to marry me, and I just wanted you to know."

"Charlie! That's wonderful!"

"If she says yes it will be." She can see him frowning.

"Of course she will! You have a 100% record in that department."

"My stats for making it to the altar aren't as successful though."

"No..."

"Probably for the best though. Being left at the altar after Scott stood up at the 'forever keep your peace' part would have been awkward."

"Scott wouldn't have made a scene. It would have been Joannie."

Charlie laughs. "Yes, in French."

She joins in with his laughter. "Definitely for the best. Do you have your proposal planned?"

"It's going to be on the beach. I'm much more organised this time. Oh, there's another thing..." He pauses. "Would you be hurt if I gave her my grandmother's ring?"

"No, of course not," she assures him. "That ring should be worn by the woman you marry. It wasn't meant to be mine."

"We did the right thing. In not getting married I mean."

She turns to look at Scott carefully poring over the all-important new guide that sits on his bedside table. "We did."

"So, Scott says the house is coming along well?"

"We're nearly done, just finishing up a few things. I need to have the spare room in perfect condition before Meryl comes up next week."

"Oh, look who just came into the room! DJ, do you want to talk to Tessa?"

She hears excited barking and gets a bit of a lump in her throat. Tessa had always thought people who talked to dogs over the phone were a bit strange but she's gotten practised at it over the past few years. After she tells DJ all about how fun the lake is and how she'd love swimming in it, Charlie reclaims the phone.

"Ok, so I have to go pack. When will I see you next?"

"Probably a wedding." There's a lot of that going around. "Are you going to Kaitlyn and Andrew's?" It's at the end of August and all the drama is currently about altering the bridesmaid dresses.

"It depends on work. I'll definitely be at Rebecca's though."

"I'll see you there then." 

"And hopefully mine will be next. If she says yes. You'll come, won't you?" His voice sounds hopeful.

"She's going to say yes, Charlie. If you want me there, I'm there."

"Of course I want my friend at my wedding. You're not allowed to dance with Scott while we're on the dance floor though. I can't have you showing us up."

"I'll sit in the corner and look morose so people will think I'm pining over you."

"Excellent. You're a good friend, Tessa."

"I try. Have a wonderful time now. You have nothing to worry about."

After they make their goodbyes she goes back inside.

Scott puts down his book. "Any news with Charlie?"

"He's going to ask Tanith to marry him."

Scott smiles broadly. "That's great news. Did you tell him ours?"

She reaches his side of the bed and he bends down to kiss her still flat stomach. She strokes his hair. 

"We haven't even told our parents yet. How would your mom feel if Charlie White knew about her grandchild before she did? Anyway," she adds as she climbs in beside him, "it would have been kind of petty. _Oh, you're getting engaged? Well, we're having a baby_."

"That's a good point. Your mom is going to be so unimpressed with Charlie breaking engagement etiquette. This will make her grandchild being born out of wedlock much easier to deal with."

"There's an etiquette about getting engaged again?"

"It's a very complex algorithm to do with the length of time since it ended, how long the relationship was, the speed at which the earth revolves around the sun... She just gave me a date which I can't propose to you before without being tacky."

Tessa snorts. "Of course she did. You're wrong about the baby out of wedlock thing. She's tired of waiting, at my birthday she informed me that my eggs weren't getting any younger."

"You should have just told her that one of your eggs had recently been fertilised."

She hits his arm. "Scott! That's our baby! Don't you dare talk about them like that! Is that the kind of thing you're reading in that book?" She points at the monstrously huge guide to pregnancy he's been researching.

"I'm sorry, baby," he says very seriously. He lowers his voice, "Well, at least I didn't say really loudly that he or she wasn't exactly planned."

"You know I had to explain to Joannie and Kaitlyn why we had to change the bridesmaid dresses! You should have seen the look on Joannie's face. She accused me of trying to sabotage the wedding! I was afraid if she thought I'd intended to show up at Kaitlyn's wedding pregnant that she'd actually murder me."

The baby news had definitely softened the blow that they weren't going to be wearing the figure-hugging floor length gowns Joannie had so loved. She was now planning on wearing them to Tessa's as yet unarranged, unengaged wedding.

"She is not going to be as involved in planning our wedding. I would like to have an input. Poor Andrew has no clue what's going on."

"Our wedding has been planned since I was seven so you've missed the boat. We're having chocolate milk instead of champagne."

"I could cope with that." Sometimes his smile still leaves her a little breathless. He continues, "We should probably get engaged at some stage. It seems to be the in thing nowadays."

"I'm waiting. I'm not the one worried about my mother's decree," she says drily as she lazily traces hearts on his bare skin.

"Maybe I'm waiting too. Maybe I want you to ask me."

"Maybe I will." They both know that she won't. She's seen the ring he's been hiding in his drawer, the perfect, simple, elegant diamond. He's never been all that good at keeping things from her. He probably knows that she knows about it too.

"We are quite unexpected."

"Yes, us getting together was a truly shocking event," she deadpans.

"It kind of was. For a long time I thought we had no chance, we weren't good for each other, we messed things up again and again. And I always wanted us, I always wanted you, but I didn't think that was enough."

In his eyes she can see all the things they said to each other, all the times they pushed each other away only to come back for more, all the nights she cried herself to sleep. She caresses his face.

"I know, Scott. I had given up, on us, on this. But it never went away, the dreams were all still there somewhere. You, you never went away. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how far away from each other we were."

She bends down her face to meet his, and she kisses him, maybe because when they talk about this she needs to be close to him, needs to know that he is here and he is hers.

They have to stop because she starts laughing, "And here we are. After all the mess, we're in our house by the lake and we're having a baby." There's still some wonder in her voice every time she says it out loud.

"We've always been pretty good at making our dreams happen. It just takes a lot of work."

"You told me that morning at the airport that love wasn't meant to be easy. And you were right. It hasn't been easy but it's all been worth it."

And she believes that as she lies in his arms in this house they built around their love and dreams. Everything that has led to this has been worth it. So, so worth it.

 

_Being as in love with you as I am_

_Being as in love with you as I am_

_Being as in love with you as I am_

_Being as in love, love, love._

('Angels', the xx)


End file.
